Supernatural: The Monster at the End of the Book
April 25th 2009 21:02
While investigating a case, Sam and Dean find out that a man named Carver Edlund has been writing a series of books based on, you guessed it, their lives! The brothers get freaked out when they buy all the copies they can find and find out that these “Supernatural” books have been chronically everything that has happened in their lives over the past few years. In order to track down the author, they must pose as fans of, well, themselves, and eventually find out that the author’s real name is Chuck. When Dean threatens to end Chuck unless he tells them how he knows so much about him and Sam, Castiel appears with an answer: Chuck is a profit. Neither Sam, Dean, or Chuck can believe it. Once convinced that he’s really talking to his characters, and that they’re not just characters, but real people, Chuck apologizes profusely for all the things he’s put them through. Sam and Dean assure him that it’s not his fault. Chuck says he’s just writing down what he sees in his dreams. And what he’s seen next is this: Lilith and Sam…in bed. Sam thinks this is ridiculous, Dean declares it “opposite day”, and they all try to stay away from whatever Chuck has dreamed would happen. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. The Impala gets broken into, Dean gets hit by a minivan, and Lilith finds Sam. She wants to make a deal: Sam and Dean for the rest of the world. Sam agrees, and she tells him that sealing this major deal will cost more than just a kiss…Meanwhile, Dean asks Castiel for help, but the angel tells him that he can’t, that interference with a prophet is prohibited. As Dean starts to stomp off angrily, Castiel calls after him, telling him that the reason he can’t help is because if anything tries to harm or stop a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will destroy them…ANYTHING. Dean gets it. He thanks Castiel for the help, and goes to find Chuck. If he can get Chuck and Lilith in the same room, they have a chance. Meanwhile, Sam’s only agreed to the deal as a trap for Lilith, but she overpowers him. Dean and Chuck bust into the hotel room just in time, and Dean warns her that she better get off his brother or deal with the wrath of an angry archangel. Even Lilith is scared of that. As the hotel walls begin to shake, she quickly vacates the premises. Sam and Dean leave town, and Chuck has another dream. When he wakes up to warn Sam and Dean, Zachariah shows up to stop him. Chuck says he can’t just sit there and do nothing, that he’d even go so far as to kill himself to stop all this, Zachariah just laughs and tells him they’d bring him right back. He tells Chuck his only hope is to do what he does best: write.
DEAN: (reading Supernatural) This is freakin’ insane! How’s this guy know all this stuff?
SAM: You got me.
DEAN: Everything is in here, I mean EVERYTHING, from the racist truck to me having sex—I’m full frontal in here, dude!
~*~*~
DEAN: (on Sam’s computer) Check it out, there’s actually fans. Not many of them, but still, did you read this?
SAM: Yep.
DEAN: Although for fans, they sure do complain a lot. (reading messageboard) Simpatico says: The demon storyline is trite, clichéd and overall craptastic. (done reading) Well, screw you Simpatico, we lived it.
SAM: (laughs) Yeah, well keep on reading, it gets better.
DEAN: (amused) There’s Sam Girls and Dean Girls and—what’s a slash fan?
SAM: As in…Sam-slash-Dean. Together.
(Dean looks at him with a very alarmed look)
DEAN: Like…together together?
SAM: Yeah.
DEAN: They do know we’re brothers, right?
SAM: Doesn’t seem to matter.
DEAN: Oh come on, that—that’s just sick!
~*~*~
FANGIRL: That was one of my favorite ones! Because Dean was so strong and sad, and brave, and Sam! I mean the best parts are when they cry! (emotional) Like in “Heart”, when Sam had to kill Madison, the first woman since Jessica he really loved, and “Home”, when Dean had to call John and ask him for help…
(Sam and Dean look at each other-is this for real?)
FANGIRL: (near tears) If only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings…
DEAN: Real men?
FANGIRL: Oh, I mean, no offense. How often do you cry like that, huh?
(Sam nods)
DEAN: Well right now I’m crying on the inside.
FANGIRL: Is that supposed to be funny?
DEAN: Lady, this whole thing is funny.
FANGIRL: How do I know you two are legit, huh?
DEAN: Oh trust me, we’re legit.
FANGIRL: Well I don’t want any smartass article making fun of my boys.
SAM: No! No, no, no, never—
DEAN: That’s—
SAM: We are actually, um, big fans.
FANGIRL: (not convinced) You’ve read the books.
DEAN: Cover to cover.
FANGIRL: What’s the year and model of the car?
DEAN: 1967 Chevy Impala.
FANGIRL: What’s May 2?
SAM: That’s my—uh, that’s Sam’s birthday.
DEAN: January 24th is Dean’s.
FANGIRL: Sam’s score on the LSAT?
(Dean looks at Sam as his brother tries to remember)
SAM: 1…74?
FANGIRL: Dean’s favorite song.
DEAN: (smirks) It’s a tie: Between Zepplin’s “Ramblin’ Man” and “Travelin’ Riverside Blues”
(girl smiles, finally convinced)
FANGIRL: Okay, okay, what do you want?
SAM: What’s Carver Edlund’s real name?
FANGIRL: I-no sorry, no I can’t-
SAM: We just want to talk to him, you know, get the Supernatural story in his own words?
FANGIRL: He’s very private, just like Salinger.
(Dean contemplates this)
SAM: Please, like I said, we are, um…(unbuttons his shirt to show her his tattoo) Big. Big fans.
(Sam gives Dean a look, and finally Dean begrudgingly shows her his tattoo too)
FANGIRL: (licks lips) Awesome. You know what? (stands up, pulls down pants) I got one too.
DEAN: (eyes widen) Wow, you are a fan.
~*~*~
DEAN: You Chuck Shirley?
SAM: THE Chuck Shirley who wrote the Supernatural books?
CHUCK: Maybe, why?
DEAN: I’m Dean, this is Sam, the Dean and Sam you’ve been writing about.
(Chuck shuts the door, Dean ring the bell again)
CHUCK: Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, really I do, it’s always nice to hear from the fans. But for your own good, I strongly suggest you get a life. (starts to close door, Dean stops him)
DEAN: See here’s the thing, we have a life. You’ve been using it to write your books.
(They push their way inside)
~*~*~
DEAN: Are you a hunter?
CHUCK: What? No, I’m a writer.
~*~*~
CHUCK: Is this some kind of “Misery” thing? Ahhh, it is isn’t it? It’s a “Misery” thing!
DEAN: This is not a “Misery” thing, believe me we are not fans!
SAM: I’m Sam. And that’s Dean.
CHUCK: Sam and Dean are fictional characters. I made them up! They’re not real!
(Sam and Dean open their trunk for Chuck)
CHUCK: Are those real guns?
DEAN: Yep. This is real rock salt, these are real fake IDs.
CHUCK: I gotta hand it to you guys, you really are my number one fans. (nervously backs away) That’s awesome, so I think I got some posters in the house…
DEAN: Chuck, stop!
CHUCK: Wait--Please, please don’t hurt me!
~*~*~
CHUCK: (laughs) Okay, wait, this is some kind of joke right? Did that—did Phil put you up to this?
DEAN: Well nice to meet you, I’m Dean Winchester and this is my brother, Sam.
CHUCK: Last names were never in the books. I never told anybody about that, I never even wrote that down.
~*~*~
CHUCK: (takes a drink, turns around) Ah you’re still there.
DEAN: Yep.
CHUCK: You’re not a hallucination.
DEAN: Nope.
CHUCK: Well there’s only one explanation. Obviously I’m a god.
SAM: You’re not a god.
CHUCK: How else do you explain it? I write things and they come to life? Yeah, naw, I’m definitely a god. A cruel, cruel capricious god-the things I put you through! The physical beatings alone!
DEAN: We’re still in one piece.
CHUCK: (guiltily) I killed your father, I burned your mother alive. (to Sam) and then you had to go through the whole ordeal again with Jessica—
SAM: Chuck—
CHUCK: All for what? All for the sake of literary symmetry! I toyed with your lives, your emotions for…entertainment!
DEAN: You didn’t toy with us, okay? You didn’t create us.
CHUCK: Did you really have to live through the bugs?
DEAN: Yeah.
CHUCK: What about the Ghost Ship?
DEAN: Yes, that too.
CHUCK: I am so sorry. I mean horror is one thing, but to be forced to live bad writing, I-If I’d a known it was real, I’d have done another pass.
DEAN: Chuck, you’re not a god!
SAM: You’re probably just psychic.
CHUCK: Naw, if I was psychic, you think I’d be writing? Writing is hard!
~*~*~
CHUCK: The uh, latest book, it’s kinda weird.
SAM: Weird, how?
CHUCK: It’s very Vonnegut.
DEAN: “Slaughterhouse-Five” Vonnegut or “Cat’s Cradle” Vonnegut?
SAM: What?
CHUCK: It’s a, “Kilgore Trout” Vonnegut.
~*~*~
DEAN: (reading as Sam does laundry) I’m sitting in a laundry mat reading about myself sitting in a laundry mat reading about myself, my head hurts.
SAM: There’s gotta be something this guy’s not telling us.
(starts loading laundry)
DEAN: (reading) ‘Sam tossed his gigantic darks into the machine. He was starting to have doubts about Chuck, about whether he was telling the whole truth.’
SAM: Stop it!
DEAN: ‘“Stop it,” Sam said.’ Guess what you do next?
(Sam turns back to the washer)
DEAN: ‘Sam turned his back on Dean. His face brooding and pensive.’ (stops reading) I mean, I don’t know how he’s doing it, but this guy is doing it. I can’t see your face, but those are definitely your brooding and pensive shoulders.
(Sam sighs, Dean looks down at the manuscript)
DEAN: You just thought I was a dick.
SAM: (turns around, impressed) Guy’s good.
~*~*~
SAM: So you wrote another chapter?
CHUCK: This was all so much easier before I knew you were real.
DEAN: We can take it, just spit it out.
CHUCK: You especially are not gonna like this.
DEAN: I didn’t like Hell.
~*~*~
CHUCK: (reading) ‘Lilith patted the bed seductively. Unable to deny his desires, Sam succumbed, and they sank into the throws of fiery demonic passion.’
(Sam busts out laughing, Dean just looks at him)
SAM: You’re kidding, me right?
DEAN: You think this is funny?
SAM: You don’t? I mean come on dude, uh, ‘fiery demonic passion’?
CHUCK: It’s just a first draft.
DEAN: Wait, wait, wait, Lilith is a little girl.
CHUCK: No, this time she’s a comely dental hygienist from Bloomington, Indiana.
DEAN: Great. Perfect.
~*~*~
(driving)
SAM: Dean, come on. (reading, mocking) ‘The minivan accident wasn’t that bad, but Dean was still seeing stars. He scratched absently at the pink flower band-aid on his face.”
DEAN: So?
SAM: So, I’ve seen you gushing blood, you’d use duct tape and bar rags before you put on a pink flower band-aid!
DEAN: What’s your point?
SAM: My point is, this? All of this? It’s totally implausible, it’s nuts!
DEAN: He’s been right about everything so far, you think he’s just gonna ground out at first now?
SAM: Huh. (reading) ‘Dean slid behind the wheel of his beloved Impala and drove off, the plastic tarp on the rear window flapping like the wings of a crow.’
DEAN: A tarp?
SAM: Yeah, on the rear window. And you drive it like that.
DEAN: Well, he might be wrong about the details, but it doesn’t mean he’s wrong about the end result.
~*~*~
DEAN: There’s not a side road that takes us to the highway?
SHERIFF: To get to the highway you have to cross that river. To cross the river you have to take that bridge.
DEAN: How deep is the river?
~*~*~
DEAN: Hey, this could be a good thing. I mean, if this is what puts us on the path to Lilith, then all we have to do is get off the path.
SAM: How do you mean?
DEAN: It’s a blueprint of what not to do, I mean if the pages say we go left—
SAM: Then we go right.
DEAN: Exactly. We get off-book. Whenever make it to the end. It’s opposite day. It says we uh, we get into a fight, so no fighting. (Sam shrugs, okay with him) No research for you.
SAM: No bacon cheeseburger for you.
DEAN: …Yeah no problem, I’ll just order something else.
WAITRESS: Hi.
DEAN: Hi, uh, what’s good?
WAITRESS: Well if you like burgers, Opera’s girlfriend said that we have the best bacon cheeseburgers in the country.
(Sam laughs)
DEAN: Really…
SAM: I’ll just have the cob salad, please.
DEAN: I’ll have the…veggie tofu burger. (shoots Sam a look, hands back menu)
SAM: Thanks.
(Waitress leaves)
SAM: This whole thing is ridiculous.
DEAN: Lilith is ridiculous?
SAM: The idea of me hooking up with her is.
DEAN: (mirthless laugh) Right, something like that could never happen.
~*~*~
SAM: Dean for the first time we have warning that Lilith is close.
DEAN: So?
SAM: So, we’ve got the jump on her. If we know when she’s coming, we know where—This is an opportunity.
DEAN: Are you—(stops himself, remembering the no fighting rule, forced calm)…It frustrates me when you say such reckless things.
SAM: Well, it frustrates me when you’d rather hide than fight.
~*~*~
DEAN: This is delicious! Tofu is amazing!
WAITRESS: I am so sorry! I gave you the bacon cheeseburger by mistake.
(Dean mournfully watches her take it away)
~*~*~
SAM: Dude, this place charges by the hour.
DEAN: Yeah, well, the book says Lilith finds you at the Red Motel, hence the, uh, hooker inn. It’s opposite day, remember?
~*~*~
SAM: So what, I’m supposed to just hole up here all night?
DEAN: That’s exactly what you’re gonna do, okay? And no research. In fact, I don’t care what you do, you, know, use the magic fingers, or uh watch Casa Erotica on Pay-per-view. (takes Sam’s computer)
SAM: Oh come on.
DEAN: Just call it a little insurance.
SAM: What are you gonna do?
DEAN: Well, the pages say I spend all day riding around in the Impala, so I’m gonna go park her. (starts to leave) Behave yourself, would you? No homework. Watch some porn.
~*~*~
SAM: Have you seen visions of me…When I’m not with Dean?
CHUCK: Oh, you want to know if I know about the demon blood.
SAM: You didn’t tell Dean?
CHUCK: I didn’t even write it into the books. I was afraid it would make you look unsympathetic.
SAM: Unsympathetic?
CHUCK: Yeah, come on, Sam. I mean, suckin’ blood? You gotta know that’s wrong.
SAM: (after a long moment) It scares the hell out of me. I mean, I feel it inside of me, I-I wish to God I could stop.
CHUCK: But you keep going back.
SAM: What choice have I got? If it helps me kill Lilith and stop the Apocalypse—
CHUCK: I thought that was Dean’s job. That’s what the angels say, right?
SAM: Dean’s not…he’s not Dean lately. Ever since he got out of Hell, he…he needs help.
CHUCK: So you gotta carry the weight?
SAM: Well, he’s looked out for me my whole life. I can’t return the favor.
CHUCK : Sure you can. I mean, if that’s what this is.
SAM: What else would it be?
CHUCK: I don’t know. Maybe the demon blood makes you feel stronger? More in control?
SAM: No. That’s not true.
CHUCK: I’m sorry, Sam. I know it’s a terrible burden knowing that it all rests on your shoulders.
SAM: Does it? All rest on my shoulders?
CHUCK: That seems to be where the story’s headed.
~*~*~
CHUCK: Dean.
DEAN: I take it you knew I’d be here.
CHUCK: You look terrible.
DEAN: That’s because I just got hit by a minivan, Chuck.
~*~*~
CASTIEL: This man is to be protected.
DEAN: Why?
CASTIEL: He’s a prophet of the Lord.
~*~*~
DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? This guy? A prophet? I mean, come on, he’s practically a Penthouse Forum writer.
~*~*~
DEAN: This is the guy who decides our fate?
CASTIEL : He isn’t deciding anything, he’s a mouthpiece. A conduit for the inspired Word.
DEAN: The Word? The Word of God? What, like the New New Testament?
CASTIEL: One day these books will be known as the Winchester Gospel.
DEAN: You gotta be kidding me.
CASTIEL: I am not. Kidding you.
CHUCK: Would you both excuse me a minute?
(Chuck takes his whiskey upstairs, casting them both nervous looks as he goes)
DEAN: Him? really?
CASTIEL: You should have seen Luke.
~*~*~
DEAN: Well whatever, how do we get around this?
CASTIEL: Around what?
DEAN: This Sam-Lilith love connection? How do we stop it from happening?
CASTIEL: What the prophet has written can’t be unwritten. As he has seen it, so shall it come to pass.
~*~*~
DEAN: Come on, we’re gettin’ out of here.
SAM: What? Where?
DEAN: Anywhere, okay? Out of this motel, out of this town, I don’t care if we have to swim, we are getting out!
~*~*~
DEAN: Dude, where are all the hex bags?
SAM: I burned them.
DEAN: What?
SAM: Look, if Lilith is coming, which is a big if—
DEAN: No, no, no, it’s more than just an if. Chuck is not a psychic, he’s a prophet.
SAM: What?
DEAN: Cass showed up, and apparently Chuck is writing the Gospel of Us.
~*~*
DEAN: Lilith is gonna slaughter you.
SAM: Maybe she will, maybe she won’t.
DEAN: So what, you think you can take her?
SAM: Only one way to find out, and I say bring her on.
DEAN: Sam—
SAM: You think I’ll do it, don’t you? You think I’ll go Dark Side.
DEAN: Yes! Okay, yes! The way you’ve been acting lately, the things you’ve been doing? (at Sam’s look) Oh I know. The way you ripped Alastair apart like he was nothing, like you were swattin’ a fly. Cass told me, okay?
SAM: What else did he tell you?
DEAN: Nothin’ I don’t already know. That you’ve been using your psychic crap and you’ve been getting stronger. We just don’t know why and we don’t know how.
SAM: It’s not what you think.
DEAN: Then what is it Sam? Cause I’m at a total loss!
~*~*~
DEAN: Are you comin’ or not?
SAM: No.
(Dean starts to leave, gets to the door, then tosses his bag down and walks out)
~*~*~
DEAN: (to sky) Well, I feel stupid doing this, but I am fresh out of options. So please…I need some help.
(nothing)
DEAN: I’m prayin’ okay? So, come on, please!
CASTIEL: Prayer’s a sign of faith. This is a good thing, Dean.
DEAN: Does that mean you’ll help me?
CASTIEL: I don’t know what I can do.
DEAN: Drag Sam out of here now, before Lilith shows up.
CASTIEL: It’s a prophecy, I can’t interfere.
DEAN: You have tested me, and thrown me every which way. And I have NEVER asked for anything, not a damn thing…but now I’m asking, I need your help. Please.
~*~*~
DEAN: If you don’t help me now, then when the time comes and you need me? Don’t bother knockin’.
(Dean starts to leave)
CASTIEL: Dean. Dean!
DEAN: What?
CASTIEL: You must understand why I can’t intercede. Prophets are very special, they’re protected.
DEAN: I get that—
CASTIEL: If anything threatens a prophet, anything at all, an archangel will appear to destroy that threat. Archangels are fierce, they’re absolute. They’re Heaven’s most terrifying weapon.
DEAN: So these archangels, they’re tied to prophets?
CASTIEL: Yes.
DEAN: So if a prophet is the same room with a demon…
CASTIEL: Then the most fearsome wrath of Heaven would rain down on that demon…Just so you understand, why I can’t help. (Gives Dean a pointed look)
DEAN: Thanks Cass.
CASTIEL: Good luck.
~*~*~
DEAN: Chuck you are the only shot that I have got left.
CHUCK: But…I’m just a writer.
DEAN: This isn’t a story anymore, man! This is real, and you’re in it! Now I need you to get off your ass and fight.
CHUCK: (looks like he’s going to say yes) No freakin’ way.
DEAN: Okay, well then how about this? I’ve got a gun in my pocket, and if you don’t come with me? I’ll blow your brains out.
CHUCK: I thought you said I was protected by an archangel.
~*~*~
LILITH: Hello, Sam.
SAM: I’ve been waiting for you.
~*~*~
LILITH: (burns away devil’s trap) You’re gonna have to try harder than that.
~*~*~
LILITH: You’re immune to my charms. Seems were at a stalemate.
~*~*~
SAM: You expect me to believe that?
LILITH: Honestly? No. You were always the smart one. But it’s the truth. You can end it, Sam, right her. Right now. I’ll stop breaking seals, Lucifer keeps rotting in his cage…All you have to do is agree to my terms.
SAM: Why would you back down? Why now?
LILITH: Turns out I don’t survive this war. Killed off, right before the good part starst.
SAM: What do you want?
LILITH: For it to go back to the way it was, before I had angels to deal with 24/7. The good ol’ days when it was all baby blood all the time.
SAM: Then what do you want in return?
LILITH Your head on a stick. Dean’s too. Call it a consolation prize.
~*~*~
LILITH: So what do you say, Sam? Self-sacrifice is the Winchester way, isn’t it?
SAM: You really think I’m stupid enough to fall for this?
LILITH: I make a deal, I have to follow through. Those are the rules and you know it…Are you really so arrogant that you would put your life before the lives of 6 billion innocent people? Maybe it’s all that demon blood pumping through your pipes. A man after my own heart.
SAM: You think I’m like you? I am NOTHING like you.
LILITH: Then prove it. Going once…going twice…
SAM: Fine!
LILITH: Swell. By the way, a contract with me will take more than a kiss. (sits on bed) A lot more. Don’t worry, the dental hygienist in here? She wants it bad.
~*~*~
(Sam starts to lean over Lilith on the bed, grabs knife; Lilith flips him over, grabbing it out his hand; Dean and Chuck break down the door)
CHUCK: I am the prophet, Chuck!
LILITH: You have got to be kidding me.
~*~*~
SAM: The point she’s scared. I could see it. Lilith is running.
DEAN: Running from what?
SAM: I don’t know. But she was telling the truth about what one.
DEAN: What’s that?
SAM: She’s not gonna survive the Apocalypse. I’ll make sure of that.
~*~*~
ZACHARIAH: Did you see it?
CHUCK: Who are you?
ZACHARIAH: I’m Zachariah, you may know me from your work.
CHUCK: What do you want?
ZACHARIAH: Did you see it?
CHUCK: (nods, scared) Is it true? Is all that really gonna happen?
ZACHARIAH: Have you been wrong so far?
CHUCK: I gotta warn Sam and Dean.
ZACHARIAH: I wouldn’t advise it. People shouldn’t know too much about their own destiny. You try, and I’ll stop you.
~*~*~
ZACHARIAH: Where you going?
CHUCK: To go kill myself.
ZACHARIAH: Don’t be melodramatic, Chuck. We’d only bring you back to life.
CHUCK: What am I supposed to do?
ZACHARIAH: What you always do. Write.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Whoa. Okay, that was a fantastic episode! First of all, how funny was it to watch Sam and Dean find out they have fans? And then have to pretend to be fans of themselves? LoL And in this case, it totally made sense! Great nod to/teasing of the fans. I loved the balance between the funny and the serious, but now thanks to Chuck I’m worried. What did he see? Aaaargh! They should just drag him around with them all the time for 1. Protection, and 2. A danger alert. 
Great, great episode! And now that I think about it, I think I still have that The Monster at the End of the Book book buried somewhere...*goes off to find it* 
Yep, here it is:
Love it!
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