Meggie
DreamboatAmy84
LilithHouse: Living The Dream
August 5th 2008 22:19
It’s House’s worse nightmare (or perhaps secret dream) when his favorite soap star
Evan Green (a.k.a. Dr. Bock Sterling on House’s favorite soap “Prescription: Passion”) collapses on camera. But it’s just an act. Or is it?
Evan walks off the soundstage after another blasé day, forlornly complaining about his job. No one’s going to believe it right? He walks outside, signs some autographs, and steps into the waiting town car.
The car slides into traffic…wait a second, it’s going the wrong way! When Evan points this out and the car still heads in the wrong direction, he asks the driver what he wants.
House looks up into the rearview mirror. “An autographed picture would be nice. Oh--” He turns around. “And I also want to save your life.”
~*~*~
Back at the hospital, Cuddy is being followed around by an inspector, James Conway, as he notes that they might want to move the crosswalk. After all, the closer it is to the entrance, the more likely it is to be used.
Right…
As Cuddy mentions that she wasn’t expecting the inspection until next month, the town car screeches to a halt in front of them. House jumps out and salutes Cuddy.
Conway: Who is that?
Cuddy: I have no idea…
She coaxes Conway back inside and House runs around to open the door for Evan.
Inside, Evan is sufficiently freaked out.
Evan: Just let me go. I won’t press charges, we’ll forget the whole thing.
House: That’s probably true, seeing as how you have a brain tumor.
Evan’s eyes widen. “You’re that nut-job doctor that keeps calling my publicist.”
“Actually I’m the nut-job head of diagnostic medicine.”
Evan assures House that he’s fine. He runs every day, never gets headaches. House informs him that he doesn’t care if he dies, but if Brock Sterling dies, “Anna never gets to find out that he’s the father of Marie’s baby.”
Evan stares at House, then yells, “HELP!!”
House backs out of the car yelling over him, “HEEELP! We’re gonna need a wheelchair! Here.” He ducks back into the car telling Evan that in the last few months he’s noticed a lag in his line reading (2.7 seconds to 2.9), pausing every 7-9 words. He’s having trouble reading the teleprompter, thus House is convinced his peripheral vision problem equals a tumor in Evan’s occipital lobe.
“Just one test. If there’s nothing wrong, I’ll take you right back home.”
Evan gets out of the car. “Make it cab fare. I don’t want you anywhere near my house.”
House follows him inside, tossing the keys to a security guard. “Just put it in my spot.”
~*~*~
In her office, Cuddy briefs everyone on the inspection, asking them to please be on their best behavior. She calls Chase, Cameron, and Foreman up as everyone else leaves.
Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Foreman: Don’t know.
Cameron: Don’t want to know.
Chase: Don’t…care?
Wrong. Until the inspection is over, she puts them all back on “House Watch.” Chase asks if she’s going to fire them if they don’t help, and when Cuddy hesitates, he just smiles and walks out.
Cuddy turns to Cameron. “The last time I checked the ER, you had the best kept charts in the building. The last time I checked the forth-floor janitor’s closet, I found House’s charts. He hasn’t filed anything since you left.”
Although House might not care about the inspection, the people signing Cuddy’s paychecks do. Therefore, they’re on House Watch whether they like it or not. Foreman current case, Cameron, past.
Foreman points out that House doesn’t have a current case. Cuddy just asks him, “Did he tell you about the limo?”
~*~*~
Meanwhile, House is testing Evan’s peripheral vision, asking about the soap opera at the same time.
House: So, the twins, they’re gonna turn out to be yours aren’t they.
Evan: I told you, I can’t talk about that stuff.
House: *looks up from the computer* But you want to be done with this right?
Evan: One’s mine, one’s Julio’s.
House: I knew it!
Evan sits in the machine wondering how House can watch that stuff.
House: Because it’s awesome!
Evan: It’s preposterous. Not one real moment since I’ve been on the show.
House: As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is like…I can’t think of any.
Foreman shows up, wondering what’s going on. House tells him that the hospital is being inspected and that Cuddy sent Foreman to keep an eye on him.
Although Evan’s tests come out normal, House tells him that they aren’t. Foreman calls him on it, and Evan asks, “You lied to me?”
House merely answers, “I kidnapped you. You’re surprised that I lied to you?”
Evan has had enough. He warns House he’ll call the police if he ever comes near him again and heads out. Foreman looks at House.
“You kidnapped him?”
House gets up. “It’s sweet that I haven’t lost the ability to surprise you.”
~*~*~
Out in the hall, House fiddles with the copy machine as Wilson limps up. When House asks his friend if he’s mocking him, Wilson tells him no, it’s Amber’s mattress that’s making him sore. They’re going to buy a mattress “for us”.
They continue to talk about the mattress buying with Amber as they step into the elevator. Evan is still there. House warns Wilson about Amber, then casually steps up and stabs Evan with a syringe. As Evan falls to the floor, House warns Wilson that he’s going to end up going home from the furniture place, humiliated and sleeping on mattress that he hates. Wilson can’t believe what he just saw, and when he asks House what he’s doing, House merely explains, “He needs an MRI.”
~*~*~
Taub and Thirteen run the test, during which Taub explains to Thirteen that the guy in the MRI machine is “the main stud on House’s soap.” Taub defends that he only watched because he was unemployed.
The tests are clean. Definitely no tumor.
House: He’s fine?
Thirteen: And…awake.
Evan gets up, totally confused and Taub asks, “What should we tell him?”
House tells them to see if they can talk him out of suing him, and leaves. As Taub and Thirteen try to calm Evan down, trying to convince him that by complaining to Cuddy he’d be doing House a favor, Evan stomps off into the lobby in search of Dr. Cuddy.
Suddenly he falls to the floor. His foot is numb.
Evan: I can’t walk.
~*~*~
Diagnostic time! House and his team get together to discuss Evan’s foot. Cameron breaks in every once in a while with a thought of her own, but House just tells her to stick to the filing. She thinks Evan may have just pinched a nerve when he fell. They should run an EMG.
House: Kutner. Leave the room, wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?
House: Get out of here.
~*~*~
Kutner’s running the test on Evan, and Evan can’t believe the “nut job” was right.
Kutner: He usually is.
Evan: He said I was dying.
Kutner:…He’s wrong a lot too, which is why we do the test.
But it’s cool, right? Being the star of a TV Show? Evan doesn’t think so. It’s a soap opera after all. He thinks Kutner’s job is a lot better. He wants to be part of something that inspires people, not a daytime TV soap. Kutner tells him he should just quit then. Evan doesn’t think it’s that easy.
~*~*~
Meanwhile, House is making his team watch his soap for the pause in Evan’s lines. Thirteen doesn’t hear it, but Taub think it does sound a little forced. Thirteen argues that it’s just the dialogue. Foreman points out that the way Evan’s holding the stethoscope is at an odd angle. Taub wants to back it up.
Cuddy shows up. “What’s this, the AV Club?”
Foreman assures her that it’s diagnostic. Everything’s under control. Cuddy calls House outside.
She tells him that she understands his obsession with his favorite star, but could he please cure him without committing any felonies? All she’s asking is that he tones it down just for a few days.
House: I want that TV.
Cuddy: We’re not bargaining.
House: You want something, either you’re bargaining or you’re begging.
Cuddy: Me keeping my job is good for you.
House: Yes but it’s better for you. I just want us to be equally happy.
Kutner shows up to tell House that the EMG was negative. It wasn’t a nerve, maybe a vitamin deficiency?
House: Or a toxin.
Kutner: Or atherosclerosis.
House: Or a toxin.
Cuddy: Why is a toxin better?
House: Might not be. We’ll know after I’m done searching his set and dressing room for medically relevant stuff. Got to go!
He tells Kutner to test for heavy metals and biotoxins and to search the home.
~*~*~
Amber and Wilson are shopping for a new mattress. She bargains with the salesman, saying she’s a law clerk and her husband here just got laid off…plus with the baby and all. The salesman congratulates her and says he’ll knock off a hundred bucks and put in free delivery. Wilson has no choice but to go along with her lie.
When Amber gets called away, she leaves the mattress buying decision up to Wilson.
~*~*~
House puts down an Emmy and picks up his phone. He continues to search Evan’s dressing room as Wilson tells him that he was “so wrong” about Amber. She’s letting him choose. House points out that “you choose” does not mean you choose. It’s a trap. He tells Wilson that it means, “If you love me, you’ll buy the one I want.” Wilson doesn’t think Amber does that.
House spots an actress from his soap walking down the hallway and cuts Wilson off, “Gotta go.”
The salesman returns and tells Wilson that his manager says he can do the price Amber offered.
~*~*~
House wanders around on the set of “Prescription: Passion” in search for clues. His co-star tells House that Evan doesn’t drink (he’s on a health-kick), and that he’s a gentleman. She gets sidetracked a second, asking if House stole those peanuts from Evan’s dressing room. House tells her no, then asks her if she’s really going to marry Brock as he’s been waiting four years for him to make it official with Anna.
The actress stares at House, then asks, “Are you really a doctor?”
House just answers, “Glioblastoma. Need more proof?”
When House inquires about their relationship, he finds it interesting that she acted him out on a date, but it just didn’t work out. Interesting…
~*~*~
Back at the hospital, House decides that Evan is impotent, and that that could be caused by B6 toxicity from sunflower seeds. Thirteen points out that B6 wouldn’t have showed up on the test, plus they didn’t find anything at Evan’s House.
Still filing, Cameron points out that just because Evan didn’t do it, doesn’t mean he can’t. House wonders where that voice is coming from.
Thirteen and Kutner run a reflex erection test with Evan, who decides the whole thing is humiliating. They close the blinds and discuss miserable jobs, when suddenly Evan’s heart rate increases to the point of a heart attack. They rush inside.
~*~*~
House and his team wonder if it was a septic reaction, and Cameron suggests Grave’s Disease, an extreme hyperthyroidism. Everyone looks at her.
House: You want to be here.
Cameron: I have to be here.
House: Just say the word, I’ll fire Thirteen.
Cameron: Just sign the forms.
House: Smart move. I was bluffing.
He decides they should fry the thyroid. Taub and Cameron disagree, and suddenly Foreman says, “House is right.” House is shocked. “Seriously?”
Outside in the hall, Foreman tells them they’re not really going to nuke Evan’s thyroid, they’ll just run the tests they should and by the time they’ll know.
~*~*~
Down in the morgue, Cuddy walks in to find House snacking on the food he took from the staff refrigerator and is storing in an empty locker.
Cuddy: You’re going to get me fired over a sandwich?
House: No. Over a TV.
Cuddy quickly shoves everything back into the locker as House assures her that she’s going to fold. No she won’t. He tells her they need a safe word…“Call me “sweetsauce”.” Before Cuddy can argue, the inspector shows up.
House introduces himself, and Conway says, “I’ve heard your name.”
“Most people have,” House answers. “It’s also a noun.”
He then goes on to tell Conway that he sometimes goes down to the morgue “to relax and unwind, maybe grand a—”
“Sweetsauce,” Cuddy quickly interrupts and at Conway’s confused pause, House explains, “It’s a nickname.”
“An ironic nickname.” Cuddy looks at her watch. “Wow, it’s almost two, aren’t you supposed to—”
“Oh yeah! Yeah,” House says. “Because those sick blind kids aren’t gonna read to themselves.”
House heads out as Conway heads for the morgue locker that’s full of House’s food. He gets to the door, then pauses, turning back to tell Conway he recommends staying away from C26.
“Floater. Been in the river at least a week.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
“Any time.”
~*~*~
Cut to: House watching his new flat screen TV being put up in his office. Cameron drops his files off, telling him that patients’ records are important; he needs to keep them up. House tells her that he leaves them for times when he needs to find out who’s the team member who’ll break down first. It turned out to be her…again…even though she wasn’t even a contender.
House: You miss me.
Cameron: You miss me.
She confesses she misses the job, running around playing PI, the puzzles. House once again offers to fire Thirteen and Cameron answers, “I don’t miss you.”
~*~*~
Taub and Kutner run Evan’s iodine uptake test, during which Taub confesses that even though he said his plastic surgeon job was meaningless and shallow, he really loved it. Evan points out that he’s not a plastic surgeon anymore. Taub’s only response is, “It’s complicated.”
Taub and Kutner watch on the monitor as the iodine isn’t being absorbed by Evan’s body. His kidneys are failing.
~*~*~
House is angry that they ran the tests without telling him, but Foreman argues that it was the right thing to do. Kidney failure shows that it’s not Graves Disease. House smells the “rancid tinge of betrayal.”
When Foreman points out that House was wrong, House gets mad and tells him, “So tell me to my face!” Foreman never hesitated before; House thinks the board has turned him into a coward.
Forman: I did it because it was the right thing to do.
House: You did it to pass an inspection!
Taub shows up, interrupting, “It doesn’t matter! Kidney failure on top of the other symptoms points to an autoimmune condition. Which means that any of his other organs could be next.” He thinks they need to run more tests for that.
House nods. “You’re right. You and the team go measure the ceilings.”
Taub is totally confused. What? House points out that the board guidelines say that no object can be less than 18 inches from the ceiling, so they should get on that.
Foreman: Nothing in our office would be—
House: I don’t mean our office. I mean the whole hospital.
House steps onto the elevator and Taub and Foreman just look at each other.
~*~*~
Wilson and Amber fall onto the new mattress.
Wilson: What?
Amber: You bought the firmer mattress.
Wilson: I thought that’s the one you wanted.
Amber: It was…why would you do that?
Wilson: Because…*laughs* This is a trick question.
Amber points out that she left it up to him. He was supposed to get the one he wanted. He says he did it because he loves her, but she just pushes him off and says, “No you did it because that’s what you do.” She points out that he always gave his ex-wives everything they wanted because it was the easier thing to do. She warns him, “Don’t you dare do that to me.”
“What? Take care of you?” Wilson is very confused.
“Have you met me?” Amber asks, getting up. “I can take care of me, I need you to take care of you.” She heads out. “I have work to do.”
~*~*~
House holds up a tabloid, telling Evan he made it to page six. Evan sarcastically answers that he’ll be sure to send his mom a copy.
So he doesn’t have an autoimmune disease? House tells him that that’s what they’re there to find out. Evan asks House if he’s really as good as everyone seems to think he is, and House counters, “Are you really as miserable as everyone seems to think you are?”
Evan just wants to do something that matters, you know? House just tells him, “Nothing matters. We’re all just cockroaches, wildebeests dying in the riverbank. Nothing we do has any lasting meaning.”
Evan scoffs, “And you think I’m miserable?”
House: If you’re unhappy on a plane, jump out of it.
Evan: I want to but…I can’t.
House: Hmmm…that’s the problem with metaphors, they need interpretation. Jumping out of a plane is stupid.
Evan: What if I’m not in a plane? What if I’m just in a place that I don’t want to be?
House: That’s anther problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you’re actually in an ice cream truck and outside are flowers and candy and virgins? You’re on a plane! We’re all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated, and it’s a long way down.
Evan: So you’re afraid of change?
House: You’re afraid to change. You either imagine that you can escape, instead of actually trying, because if you fail then you’ve got nothing. You give up the chance of something real so that you can hold on to hope. The thing is? Hope is for sissies.
Evan decides that when he gets out of there, he’s not going to be afraid anymore. Not that he’s got his second chance, “I’m gonna start being a better father to you. And to your sister…”
House stares at Evan as the actor slips into a feverish delirium and starts reciting lines from his soap as if they were his own. House starts mouthing the words with him, then shouts for cooling blankets as Evan’s temperature climbs to 106.4.
House steps back to the bed, snapping his fingers to get Evan’s attention. “Do you know where you are? What’s your name?”
Evan answers, “Dr. Brock Sterling.”
~*~*~
Evan has slipped into a coma. As Foreman argues that he has an infection, House simply states, “The good news is the last time Brock was in a coma he fathered two children.”
The team ping-pongs ideas and possible treatments around, and House tells them to test for fungi, parasites, and all creatures great and small. He has to go lie down. He needs to think.
~*~*~
“Could be rat-bite fever, but his glands aren’t swollen,” House mumbles as he continues to lie down on one of the many mattresses in the store. “Which one are you gonna get?”
Wilson wanders around, telling House that, “She told me to get the one I want.”
“So get it.”
House goes back to his mental diagnoses, and suddenly Wilson says, “I want a waterbed.”
When House doesn’t mock him, Wilson calls him on it, and House simply answers, “I’m ignoring you because you make me sad.”
House mumbles another possible diagnosis, as Wilson worries aloud about the special sheets and insurance waterbeds need.
House pulls out a flowery pillow from behind him and stares at it.
Wilson: Amber will think it’s stupid.
House: It is stupid. *puts the pillow down and gets up* Live the dream Wilson.
~*~*~
“It’s not an infection,” House announces as he re-enters his office. “It’s an allergy. That’s why it’s not responding from antibiotics.”
Foreman argues that this isn’t a soap opera; people don’t just wake up from comas the second you give them drugs.
House: Especially if we give them the wrong drugs.
He asks about the tests, which were negative for fungus and infections. Foreman points out that Evan has no history for allergies or asthma, and none of his symptoms remotely resemble an allergic reaction. They continue to argue down the hallway, House for a severe floral allergy, Foreman for an infection.
As the saying goes, a House always wins.
House goes down to get a ton of methlprednisolone from the hospital pharmacist, who argues that he needs Cuddy’s approval to get it. House just barges in and takes it himself anyway. The pharmacist gets on the phone.
~*~*~
Back in the ICU, House tells Cuddy about the allergy. After more arguing, he finally convinces Cuddy to trust him on the steroid dosage.
Cuddy: My job’s on the line. You’re job is on the line.
House convinces her to wait three minutes before calling security. If he’s right, he’ll be done by the time they get there and Evan gets to live. Cuddy tells him to warn her if she dies. You know, so she can pack her things.
Cuddy leaves and House loads Evan up on the steroids.
~*~*~
As the team waits for Evan to regain consciousness, Cuddy shows up to tell House that the floral allergy tests came back negative. She heads for the elevator, telling him she’s going to restart the antibiotics. If Evan’s still alive that is. House is stunned.
When she shows up at Evan’s room, however, Cuddy finds him sitting up, conscious and perfectly fine. House, on the other hand, tells them all that they should have stopped him.
~*~*~
The inspector shows up in Cuddy’s office with his final report. He’s heard about House’s patient…Cuddy defends House. Even though he didn’t follow protocol, he saved a man’s life.
~*~*~
Amber is trying tot get comfortable on the waterbed. Finally she gets up to find Wilson lying on the floor.
Amber: What are you doing out here?
Wilson: I can’t sleep. I hate the waterbed.
She smiles and tells him that she actually kind of likes it. He argues that “It’s awful. We’re returning it tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She lies down next to him on the floor. “I’m glad you got it though.
“Me too. I hope they’ll take it back.”
“They will.”
~*~*~
In his office that night, House watches “Prescription: Passion”. He watches Evan’s character drink a fake gin and tonic and grabs the phone.
Cuddy: Hello?
House: Don’t hang up. What was the verdict?
Cuddy: A $200,000 fine.
House: You should have been fired.
Cuddy: Goodnight House.
He tells her that there were bubbles in Evan’s glass. Evan is allergic to quinine. Cuddy tells him he did a good job, and that she’s taking back the TV.
House: I saved his life!
Cuddy: That wasn’t the deal.
House: The contract clearly stated no takesies-backsies.
Cuddy: Goodnight House.
House: What are you wearing?
Cuddy: Goodnight House.
House: Goodnight Cuddy.
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