House: Let Them Eat Cake
September 17th 2009 21:10
Cuddy decides she’s going to share House’s office, seeing as how hers was destroyed thanks to the hostage situation last week. House of course, suggests they split the desk in half and uses this as an opportunity to drive her nuts and get her out. Cuddy retaliates by spilling hydrogen sulfide in his office.
Meanwhile, Thirteen struggles with Foreman’s trial, having flashbacks to her father telling her mother that it would all be okay when she was suffering from similar symptoms. After going back to work, she finally confides in Foreman that the reason she doesn’t want to do the clinical trial is not because she’s afraid for her future, but because of her past. She regrets that her mother “died with me hating her”.
Kutner tells Taub he's set up a "second-opinion clinic" online where people e-mail them their symptoms. He’s also running the site under House’s name. Taub blackmails him into giving him a 30% cut of whatever he’s making or he’ll tell House. Cameron and Chase find out and try to convince Kutner to tell House.
This online service is getting so busy they have trouble working on both the online consults and the real life one of a fitness instructor who collapsed when filming a video (turns out she had a gastric bypass surgery, not so fitnessy afterall). When an online patient shows up at the hospital on her way up to talk to House, Kutner and Taub hurry to put her on antibiotics. Things get worse, for both patients, and when Kutner asks Chase to help out with a test on his online patient, he agrees, but for 25 percent of Kutner’s income.
When the fitness instructor asks for cake, House realizes she has Hereditary coproporphyria, easily cured by a high carb diet rich in sugar.
Meanwhile, Kutner and Taub find their online patient in the morgue and freak out that House is going to kill them. House wanders in, telling him that he’ll do it slowly and painfully, and yells at Kutner for being so stupid. He tells them he probably could have saved the patient if they’d just told him about what was going on. He climbs up on top of the dead patient and begins to compress her chest. Suddenly, she gasps back to life and Kutner and Taub jump back in alarm.
House and the “patient” high five, and House turns to Kutner and Taub, saying, “Seriously, how good was she? No formal training. At least not in acting.” When Taub asks about the CT, House answers, “That was from a patient three years ago. It was hard to find. But the hair and make-up, getting Chase and Cameron to play along, much easier.” Kutner agrees that they deserved what they got and agrees to take the site down.
“Take it down?” House replies. “Are you kidding? It's way too lucrative to shut it down. For Chase, for me. I earn 50% for letting you use my name. Chop chop. Go to work.”
DeeDee (the “patient”) reminds House that he did hire her for three more hours. House uses these last few hours to his advantage, setting it up that DeeDee is with him in his office, holding his helmet and straightening his motorcycle jacket when Cuddy arrives. Cuddy’s initial smile disappears and she quickly turns and leaves.
Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
House: Democrats' health care plan?
Cuddy: At least we have one case that looks intriguing. 30-year-old fitness trainer suddenly can't breathe. Collapses and breaks her ankle. *House grabs the file, starts reading* That's it? You're not gonna argue why this case is beneath you?
House: No point. I'm in an elevator. Can't run away.
Cuddy: You can't run away anyway.
House: That's just mean. *they get off the elevator and start down the hall together* Why are we still together?
Cuddy: We are going to our office.
House: Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in once you pass child-bearing age.
Cuddy: Well, that's just mean. My office was recently destroyed. I thought I’d use the office of the doctor directly responsible. *blocks the door to his office*
House: I think the patient holding the gun to my head was actually the one directly responsible.
Cuddy: My desk won't fit in his cell. You can use our outer office.
~*~*~
Cuddy: *calling from House’s office* These walls aren't soundproof.
House: I'm well aware.
~*~*~
Cuddy: *into phone* Hold on a second. *puts hand over mouthpiece, to House* Can you do this outside?
House: I could, but that would defeat the purpose of doing it here.
~*~*~
Kutner: Her gastric bypass procedure could cause —
House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub: Should we treat her like a 60-year-old Asian man too? She's not fat.
House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.
~*~*~
House: Ten points for doing what I said. Minus ten points for doing it badly.
~*~*~
House: Have you seen my balls?
Cuddy: *into phone* Can you hold on a second? *turns to House*
House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one.
Cuddy: Your plan isn't gonna work.
House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny that it's making you miserable. You try to make me miserable so I’ll stop making you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery.
Cuddy: *searching in her purse* You're not bothering me.
House: Step one complete.
~*~*~
Wilson: House's office? Really?
Cuddy: Did he send you here to beg for it back?
Wilson: Well, there are dozens of other doctors —
Cuddy: Other doctors actually use their offices for crazy stuff like seeing patients. Not throwing a ball against the wall and calling it work.
Wilson: It's his process. That ball saves lives.
Cuddy: Did he give you talking points?
Wilson: Yeah, but I added one of my own. Don't take his office and pretend like all you're doing is taking his office. You chose his room because you want to be there. But sitting near him and hoping isn't gonna get it done.
Cuddy: Leave here now, or I’ll take your office.
Wilson: No, you won't.
~*~*~
Cuddy: I was mixing some hydrogen sulfide for good and valid reasons and must've spilled some on my side. Did it waft over to your side?
House: Cunning plan. You do realize it’s gonna stink for hours — on both sides.
Cuddy: Oh, would you look at the time? I hope your patient isn't still sick… Forcing you to stay here all night.
~*~*~
Kutner: Could be an aneurysm. We've got to control her blood pressure. Start her on a calcium channel blocker.
Chase: Or… you could tell House.
Kutner: I can't tell House.
Cameron: You'll be in trouble. On the other hand, she's sick.
Kutner: She's singing.
Chase: And bleeding out of her ears, and losing her hair. And an aneurysm doesn't explain her joint pain.
~*~*~
Wilson: You going over the fence?
House: Took three visits, but I finally convinced the contractor that I’m Cuddy's boss. And all the office renovation plans need to go through me.
Wilson: You did do the math on this, right? Screwing with her office means her renovations will take longer. Means she will be in your office longer.
House: *marking the blueprint* See there? I'm having a bidet put in instead of a toilet. Not in addition to. Instead of. You want to know what happened to the old toilet?
Wilson: She'll be with you where you claim to not want her.
House: I smashed it with a sledgehammer.
Wilson: I think in some ancient cultures that was actually considered a proposal of marriage.
House: Is this fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away?
Wilson: Ask her out. It'll cost the hospital a lot less.
~*~*~
Cuddy: Rule out CNS lymphoma first. Then rule out astrocytoma, then rule out other brain tumors…
*House makes a fist and blows into it like a magician. He opens his hand to show her that it’s empty*
House: I hereby declare them ruled out.
~*~*~
House: You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me… because you have the hots for me.
Cuddy: You're still here because you have the hots for me.
House: Evidenced by the fact that I’m the one who moved into your office.
Cuddy: It's the biggest office. And I’m not the one that destroyed —
House: Why are you dressed like that? Why do you try so hard to get my attention? Are you screwing with me?
Cuddy: Are you screwing with me?
House: That depends on your answer.
*They stare at each other*
Cuddy: Everybody knows this is going somewhere…I think we're supposed to kiss now.
House: We already did that. *puts his hand on her breast* It seemed like the logical next step.
~*~*~
House: Sick people don't spontaneously get better.
~*~*~
Cuddy: House is an unemotional child incapable of intimacy or romance. Trust me, it's done. *looks at the newly furnished office* It’s perfect.
Wilson: I like the desk. Lot of character.
Cuddy: That's not the one I ordered. *running her hands over it* This is my desk from med school.
Wilson: You have it in storage or something?
Cuddy: My mom did.
Wilson: That was sweet of her to do that.
Cuddy: She didn't. My mom has no idea I’m redoing my office.
~*~*~
Taub: House is gonna kill us.
House: Slowly.
*they turn to find him standing there*
House: And painfully. You're not only idiots, you're frauds. Fraudulent idiots. Fraudulent idiotic killers, as it turns out.
Kutner: House, this was really my —
House: Your fault? Yeah! For pretending to be me when you're not even competent. *throws a file at Kutner* And your fault for not ratting him out while the patient was still alive. What she had was easily treatable. She could've been fine. Damn treatment's so simple…Might still be possible.
*Hangs his cane on a lamp and climbs on the table*
Kutner: House… *House starts chest compression* House, she's clearly dead.
*suddenly DeeDee gasps back to life, House jumps off the tabke as Kutner and Taub jump back, terrified. DeeDee laughs*
Kutner: She was dead.
House: She wasn't dead. She wasn't even sick, you moron. *DeeDee high fives House* Seriously, how good was she? No formal training. At least not in acting.
DeeDee: Did you see their faces?
House: I think we may have an anal hygiene violation there.
Taub: So the CT.
House: That was from a patient three years ago. It was hard to find. But the hair and make-up, getting Chase and Cameron to play along, much easier.
Kutner: We deserved it. I'll take down the website before —
House: Take it down? Are you kidding? It's way too lucrative to shut it down. For Chase, for me. I earn 50% for letting you use my name. Chop chop. Go to work. First dollars go to expenses. I booked our little thespian here for two full days. That's three G's I owe her.
DeeDee: And you still got 3 hours left.
House: Do I?
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