Glee: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle
February 7th 2011 19:26
Mr. Schuester and Coach Beiste devise a plot to bring together the warring glee club and football team factions. Meanwhile, Sue, desperate to win cheerleading Nationals, launches a dangerous plan to bring home a trophy, and the kids of New Directions tackle Michael Jackson's iconic hit "Thriller."
-FOX
When tension between the football players and the Glee Club reach epic proportions, Will and Coach Beiste decide something has to be done. The solution? The football players will be in Glee Club for one week. Nobody is happy about this, but it’s going to happen! Meanwhile, Sue, bored with her own routines, decides she needs to up herself, and finds a human canon that she’s going to shoot Brittney out of. When Brittney doesn’t want to die (at least “not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled”), Quinn goes to Mr. Schue for help. Principal Figgins tells Sue that she cannot shoot someone out of a canon without their consent, and Sue goes crazy, destroying his secretary’s office and the locker room in protest.
Back in the choir room, the football players show up, much to the Glee kids’ horror and disgust, and Will has Rachel and Puck sing something to show the football players what it is they do in there. It doesn’t go as Will planned, and he and Beiste have to break up yet another fight.
Sue manages to get cheerleading Regionals to be on the same day as Beiste’s championship football game, thus leaving the school without any halftime show or cheerleaders. What are they going to do? The Glee Club and the football players will do the show! The football players protest vehemently, but coach Beiste tells them either they’re in the show, or they’re off the team. At first they refuse, but Will finally convinces them that their Thriller/Heads Will Roll zombie halftime show will be fun, and after zombie camp and a test run, they’re starting to have fun. Even Karofsky is convinced the show will be awesome! That is, until they leave rehearsal and get slushied by the hockey team. The reign of the football players is over.
Determined not to be laughed at by the whole school, the football players drop out of the show, and therefore the game. Poor Beiste doesn’t have enough players now, and when Rachel and Mercedes have coffee with Kurt and Blaine, telling them about what’s been going on, Blaine points out that they really only need four more players to play. This gives the girls an idea! Back in the choir room, they announce to Will, Coach Beiste, and the boys that THEY are going to join the team! Will gently asks Rachel if she’s ever seen a tackle football game, (when they tackle you, it hurts…), and Rachel tells him that they’re only going to be on the field. When it comes time to play, they’re just going to drop to the ground and let the boys play. This might just work!
Sue gives the Cheerios in Glee Club a choice: either they resign from Glee and come perform with her, or they’re off the Cheerios. Even though they don’t want to, they all hand in their resignations to Mr. Shue. Finn is really disappointed in them, especially Quinn, and tells them that they don’t need the Cheerios. Besides, Sue is awful to them! They’re sorry, but they need to be popular.
Sam overhears Finn yelling at Quinn in the hallway, and comes to defend his girlfriend, pointing out that maybe it’s time for a new leader, both in football and Glee. Finn glares at him. Oh, and who might that new leader be, him? Yeah. They start to fight, and what first amused Quinn is now starting to get out of hand, and when the pushing and shoving starts, Will has to break up yet another fight. How many is he going to have to break up this week? He calms Sam and Finn down and tells them all to get to Glee Club.
Game time comes, and the girls suit up. The whistle blows, Finn calls it, and they drop. The other team scores. It continues like this a while, Mercedes is so ready to be done, Lauren wants to hurt someone, and Tina is getting bored with just laying down. Does anyone else want to play? They break, and this time the ball drops near Tina, rolling around all by itself, and, with everyone yelling, Tina jumps up, grabs the ball, and runs for it. She does pretty good until she’s tackled and a hush falls over the crowd. Will stands worried on the sidelines as the team rushes over to make sure she’s okay. Mike hovers over her, concerned. Is she still breathing? Is she okay? Tina slowly opens her eyes. “Did we win?” The crowd claps.
Halftime is near, and Finn’s had enough. He hands quarterback over to Sam, then tells Puck to go convince the rest of the guys that they need to come play the second half, as he goes off to get Quinn, Brittney, and Santana. Neither the football players or the cheerleaders want to come back, but are eventually convinced (all except Karofsky), and the show is on! Sue is not happy that her stars aren’t going to be with her. She turns and glares at the giant canon. Now what?!
As Karofsky watches glaring from the sidelines, the Glee kids put on their zombie show and the crowd goes nuts! Seeing how much the stadium is loving it, even Karofsky can’t help but throw on his uniform and go out to join in the show.
In the locker room, Coach Beiste is proud of her team for finally getting it together, and tells them to leave on their zombie makeup for the second half. Maybe they can psych out the other team. After all, they need all the help they can get! So…everyone should go out? She looks at them and smiles. Yep, everyone. Whoohoo! The football team heads out as the girls cheer them on the sidelines.
Psyching out the other team with zombie groans of “brains…brains!”, the football team gets ready. The Glee girls join in. “Brains! Brains!” Coach Beiste and Will join in, and soon the whole stadium is shouting “Brains!” Kurt, his dad, Finn’s Mom, and Blaine all cheer them on in the stands too. By some miracle, they end up winning the game, and for once it looks like things might finally be taking a change for the better at the school.
Meanwhile, fresh off her devastating loss of what would have been her record breaking 7th win at Regionals, Sue gets interviewed by Katie Couric, for Loser of the Year. Sue is confused. She thought this was the Ten Best people of the year. Nope. Sue watches a video of Will and Katie Couric dancing while she interviews him on how it feels that the Cheerios massive budget is now going to the Glee Club. Sue is horrified. Will smiles. It feels pretty good.
Back at school the next day, Finn tells Karofsky that the club isn’t going to just let him join Glee for real without his apologizing to Kurt, and when he starts to suggest they both go over to Kurt’s new school to apologize, Karofsky scoffs. What makes Finn think he wants to join the Glee Club? He’s on top, they just one their championship game, no way is he joining! Karofsky stomps off. Guess nothing has changed after all.
Alone in the hallway, Finn turns to find Quinn standing behind him. She tells him how proud she is of him, how great he was on and off the field this week, how it reminded her of why she loved him, then kisses him. Surprised, Quinn watches her walk off.
Sue: I’m BORED!
~*~*~
Sue: Even things I used to think were hilarious! Case in point: Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet. (Santana does) Now slap Brittney. (she does) See? Not even a chuckle.
~*~*~
Finn: That’s funny Karofsky, how you’re always calling everybody gay all the time, but you never seem to have a girlfriend.
~*~*~
Coach Beiste: Finn, you’re the captain, talk!
Finn: Karofsky sucks! That’s what happened!
Karofsky : That’s crap! Hudsons’ a freaking girl who couldn’t take a joke about his precious Glee Club!
Finn: Cuz I’m sick of you guys gettin’ down on us for it! We’re in Glee Club, WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?
~*~*~
Puck: Yeah, well maybe you’ll think it’s cooler where I go all Tik Tok on your face!
~*~*~
Coach Beiste: Bunch of babies!
~*~*~
Sue: (writing in her diary) Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend! What do I do as a second act?
~*~*~
Tattoo artist: Wait…(looking at misspelled tattoo) It’s Syvlester, right? Sue Syvlester?
~*~*~
Coach Beiste: They don’t have to like each other, but they HAVE to respect each other.
Will: This whole thing is so weird. I mean, half your starters are in my Glee Club.
Coach Beiste: I just don’t know what to do.
Will: Do you trust me?
Coach Beiste: You’re not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?
~*~*~
Finn: (to the football players) Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
Will: No, none of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven’t you guys been working on something? Why don’t you give it a whirl?
Rachel: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won’t let anything get in the way of a performance.
~*~*~
(shouting, while back to back trying to break up a fight between the Glee Club and Football players)
Will: Great first day, right?
Coach Beiste: Awesome!
~*~*~
Finn: (to Puck) Why’d you sing that duet with Rachel?
(flashback)
Rachel: I need you to sing this duet with me to make Finn jealous.
~*~*~
Sue: Ladies? My Sueclear Weapon.
~*~*~
Brittney: I don’t want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.
~*~*~
Sue: Did any of you take German? I may need to read the owner’s manual.
~*~*~
Figgins: (to Sue while she’s throwing her tantrum) It’s coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it!
~*~*~
Will: Remember a few years ago when that prison in the Philippines did that mega performance of “Thriller” and put it on youtube? Now in the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner on prisoner crime dropped by 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison, and that’s what I’m looking to do here.
~*~*~
Coach Beiste: All right, New Directions? Titans? We’re goin’ to zombie camp.
~*~*~
Will: Okay guys, It’s good, but put a little life into it.
Karofsky : But…we’re dead.
Will: Then put some afterlife into it. Get out of your heads and into your characters.
~*~*~
Karofsky : Look, I know I’m bad, can you just spare me so we can get through this?
Will: That’s not what I was gonna say at all. You’re actually really good. If you took that energy you use bullying people and put it into this? You’d be one of the most talented guys in this school…Just think about it.
~*~*~
Sue: Brittney, here’s a note for you, hand-written and in crayon from the Human Canon telling you how much it misses you.
~*~*~
Will: How many fights am I gonna have to break up this week?!
~*~*~
Finn: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize football rules this school?
Hockey player: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show.
~*~*~
Kurt: Why hasn’t Finn told me anything about this? I mean we live together. Every night I bring him a glass of warm milk just in hopes that we’ll have a little lady-chat.
Blaine: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt: It’s delicious.
~*~*~
Rachel: We want to join the team.
Artie: We who?
Mercedes: All of us Glee girls. We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the Championship game.
~*~*~
Will: Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game? When they tackle you, it hurts.
Puck: Yeah, and not in a good, Mellencamp way.
Rachel: We’ve thought about that. But the truth is, you guys don’t really need us to play, you just need enough players out there to field a regulation team, so when they snap the ball, we’re just gonna lie down on the ground, we’re just gonna lie there.
Lauren: No I’m not, I’m gonna bring the pain.
Coach Beiste: I guess they won’t get hurt if they stay down.
Will: What do your parents have to say about this?
Tina: We all have written permission slips from them. It took a little convincing, but they understood how much this means to us.
Will: What do you say, Coach?
Coach Beiste: I think…welcome to the football team.
GirlsYES!
Rachel: (clapping) Football team, football team! High-five teammate!
~*~*~
Sue You don’t climb in that canon, and that routine will be all boom boom and no pow. And that, Brittney, is so two-thousand and late.
~*~*~
Rachel: (on the ground) Is it over?
~*~*~
Finn: (in the huddle) Alright, how’s everybody doin’?
Mercedes: Kill me now, I want to die.
Tina: (Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I wanna play.
~*~*~
Mike: Tina! Is she breathing?
Tina: (after a long moment, opens her eyes) Did we win?
~*~*~
Finn: You joined Cheerios to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn’t care about you guys! She’s fine killing Brittney! Honestly, if you didn’t think it’d hurt your reputation, which would you choose?
Brittney: Glee Club.
~*~*~
Everyone: Brains…brains!
~*~*~
Sue: I thought this was Ten Most Fascinating.
Katie Couric: That’s Barbara Walters.
~*~*~
Katie Couric: How do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club?
Sue:I’m sorry?
~*~*~
Katie Couric: Thoughts?
Sue: I hate you Diane Sawyer.
1. Destiny's Child - "Bills, Bills, Bills"
2. Katy Perry - "California Gurls"
3. Lady Antebellum - "Need You Now"
4. The Zombies - "She's Not There"
5.Michael Jackson/Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Thriller/Heads Will Roll”
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