Bones: The X in the File
April 6th 2010 20:44
Dean Haglund guest stars on this UFO, alien-themed episode that brings Booth and Bones to New Mexico, where they investigate some very ET-like remains (cue X-files ringtone) that turn out to be those of a local UFO fanatic. When the sheriff refuses to let the remains go to the Jeffersonian, the Squints have to work via satellite, and low and behold, the killer wasn’t aliens with glowing eyes (most likely coyotes), but the man who ran the local UFO diner. (I’ll let you guess who that was.
) Meanwhile, back at the Lab, Angela and Wendell tell Hodgins about their relationship, resulting in an awkward lunch, and Booth and Bones go stargazing out in the desert. “Did you hear that?” 
ANGELA: You know, I have a key to the Egyptian storage room.
WENDELL: Not on campus, not at work.
ANGELA: Come on, are you really as virtuous as you seem?
WENDELL: I can be very bad when the time is right.
~*~*~
BOOTH: Can you imagine if we found an alien – a real one?
BONES: You mean someone who slipped illegally into the country from Mexico or Canada?
BOOTH: Come on Bones, you don’t believe that there are other real life-forms out there?
BONES: Well, the probability is very high but any aliens visiting this planet would have sufficient intelligence not to die in the middle of the desert.
~*~*~
BONES: These remains are not extraterrestrial. (Victim’s cell phone rings: The X-Files theme song.) It’s a cell phone.
BOOTH: You hope.
~*~*~
CAM: A couple weeks in the desert and no critters got at these remains?
WENDELL: Perhaps the result of green radiation from alien hyper drive systems?...Or something not crazy.
BONES: The man who found them remarked that he saw several sets of orange eyes staring at him from the darkness.
WENDELL: Orange-eyeballed aliens?
BONES: Tapetum lucidum of the American coyote glows orange when light strikes the retina. What he saw were likely coyotes, not orange-eyeballed aliens. Oh, you were being facetious. That’s funny.
~*~*~
BOOTH: So, Mr. Breekman, you were abducted by aliens five years ago?
MARVIN: Yes.
BOOTH: If aliens are so advanced, why would they need probes?
MARVIN: I think they like it.
~*~*~
DELMY: What can you tell me about the alien body?
BOOTH: I don’t know anything about the alien body.
DELMY: Definitely FBI. I can practically smell the suit.
BOOTH: I don’t wear a suit all the time, you know.
~*~*~
(After the body suddenly rises up in the MRI machine, Bones screams, Booth pulls out his gun, but the magnetism of the MRI flings it out of his hand and onto the machine)
BOOTH: You know, I won’t say anything about the scream if you don’t say anything about the gun.
BONES: Those terms are satisfactory.
BOOTH: Right.
~*~*~
BONES: (taking apart organs) I did it!
CAM: Very good, Dr. Brennan.
~*~*~
TOURIST WOMAN: Excuse me, sir? Why are all these radios on?
MILLER: Well, this is some of the original equipment that picked up the signal from the craft that landed right here in Roswell.
TOURIST WOMAN: Dave, these are the radios that heard the aliens! (she leaves)
BONES: But that’s absurd, why would she believe you?
MILLER: Because they travel all the way to Roswell to believe in aliens, just like everybody else.
~*~*~
BONES: She seems very thorough.
BOOTH: Mmm. The word loony come to mind?
BONES: This is a remarkably well-researched wall for a crazerita.
~*~*~
BOOTH: Well, if it smells like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…
BONES: But then it would be a duck, not a spaceship, so your point escapes me.
BOOTH: It’s just a metaphor.
~*~*~
(After Wendell kisses Angela to prove they’re all okay to Sweets)
HODGINS: There. See? My head did not explode.
~*~*~
SWEETS: Dr. Hodgins, I’m kind of in the middle of…
HODGINS: You were right, Sweets. Everything is not fine. (Sits on the couch, lays down) It’s not fine at all.
SWEETS: This is a good time.
HODGINS: Don’t know if I want to crawl into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.
SWEETS: You know, it’s natural to have those feelings.
HODGINS: But I’m a better man than this. I mean, I want to be happy for them. You know, I really do.
SWEETS: Well, it’s easier for us to accept loneliness as long as the person we were once with is also alone.
HODGINS: When she finds happiness with someone else, oh, man, it’s like being stabbed in the heart.
SWEETS: It’s the human condition. You know, it’s why there are so many movies and plays and songs and poems.
HODGINS: Yeah, yeah, art, art. (Sits up) I get it. What do I do?
SWEETS: Well, first, you need to figure out what you want.
HODGINS: I want to not be filled with anger and pain and resentment. I don’t want to be jealous.
SWEETS: Do you want Angela back? I don’t think you’re jealous. (Gets up and sits next to Hodgins on the couch.) I think that you’re grieving what you’ve lost.
HODGINS: Grieving? As in grief?
SWEETS: Yes.
HODGINS: Oh, man, the only thing that cures grief is time. Unless you’re recommending a lot of alcohol.
SWEETS: I can’t really recommend alcohol.
HODGINS: Man, that’d be great if you could, though, right?
SWEETS: I recommend time.
HODGINS: So, just smile and act like a good guy?
SWEETS: You are a good guy.
HODGINS: You know, there was a time that I thought Angela and I would be together forever. Can I just sit here for a minute?
SWEETS: Yeah, take all the time you need.
~*~*~
BOOTH: Quite a show, huh?
BONES: Shouldn’t we get going home?
BOOTH: Come on, Bones, how many times do you get a chance to check out a desert sky?
BONES: I’ve been in the desert many times. Though, usually I’m digging in the ground, not looking up.
BOOTH: now’s your chance to look up. So, look up.
BONES: it’s ridiculous to think there’s anything on this planet worth seeing which merits crossing what are literally astronomical distances.
BOOTH: Many aliens are anthropologists? Maybe they just wanna study our religion and sex and love and our funny languages and line dancing?
BONES: That’s an interesting possibility I hadn’t considered.
BOOTH: Well, living creatures, they like to reach out, Bones.
BONES: Living creatures like to reach out and eat each other.
BOOTH: Oh. So, what are you saying, that the aliens just wanna come down here and drink our spinal fluid?
BONES: Well, if the aliens are advanced enough to fly faster than light, then they can probably make spinal fluid.
BOOTH: Oh, you just said that aliens are nice.
BONES: I did not.
BOOTH: You just basically said that aliens are nice anthropologists.
BONES: I don’t think so.
BOOTH: You think the aliens are you.
BONES: (laughs) You got me. You know, I’m one of them.
BOOTH: I knew it.
BONES: I was sent down as an advance scout.
BOOTH: I knew it! No probing. No probing!
BONES: Hey, probing is a valuable way to gather information.
BOOTH: We know how you people like to probe. Did you hear that?
BONES: What was it?
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