Bones: The Goop on the Girl
April 6th 2010 19:54
A man dressed as Santa walks into a bank and demands all their money. When the teller asks if this is a joke, he reveals the bomb strapped to his chest. “Everybody down!”
Meanwhile, Bones’s dad brings home a Christmas tree and asks if he should get some tinsel or something for it. Bones tells him she doesn’t care, it’s his tree. She’s going to do some volunteer work in El Salvador. Her father gets sad. He doesn’t want to be alone on Christmas! He asks if she’ll stay if he can get one of her relatives to come celebrate with them. Bones is surprised he still has contact with them, and Max shrugs. “We’re Myspace buddies.”
Booth hears the call on the radio about the bank-robbing Santa, realizes he’s only a few blocks away, and rushes over. He arrives just in time to see Santa exit the bank, bomb gaping through the front of his costume.
“You! Santa!” Booth orders, pulling out his gun. “Move into the road. Now!”
“Don’t do this,” Santa answers, walking into the road. “Just walk away.”
“On your knees.”
Santa doesn’t move.
“On your knees!” Booth orders. “FBI man, do it!”
Santa sounds a little desperate as he answers, “I just answered the call.”
With a strange warbled sound of a radio, Santa blows up. Booth is flung back, along with two pedestrians, as money and body parts fly everywhere. Booth sits up. It looks like money is raining from the sky. The window in the bank cracks.
~*~*~
As the team works to figure out who decided to blow up Christmas, Booth becomes evidence, Cam prepares for her first Christmas with Michelle (who just wants to go on a trip to Hawaii with her friend and her family), and Bones is once again pulled into a Christmas at home with her father…and Benjamin Franklin obsessed second cousin. Meanwhile, Sweets tries to figure out how to spend his first Christmas with a “zestless” Daisy, and a man broadcasting on a pirate radio station realizes that all his anger isn’t helping anyone.
Turns out the Santa who held up the bank was just a pawn in a very un-Christmasy game. He was forced into robbing the bank, and the people who looked liked victims of the explosion were actually the ones standing guard to make sure he did what they wanted.
Bones hosts Christmas at her place, and everyone including her second cousin and Michelle shows up.
BOOTH: Can we just hurry this up? 'Cause I have a witness over there.
BONES: Well, are you sure you didn't throw out your back?
BOOTH: No, I didn't; I'm fine.
CAM (shining penlight in Booth’s eyes): Okay, do you have a medical degree? I don't think so.
~*~*~
BOOTH: I know this is really hard and you're freaked out, but what you have on there is evidence.
~*~*~
BONES: Spinous process!
BOOTH: What? Where?
HODGINS: Yes, indeed, that is a definite chunk of Santa.
BONES: We're gonna need some bags, Cam.
BOOTH: No, no, no.
BONES: I'm sorry, Booth, but you're evidence now.
~*~*~
BONES: I have to remove your pants.
~*~*~
BOOTH: Oh. What is that, a nostril?
CAM: Yup. And I have no idea how the limonene got there. Unless the guy was snorting orange Kool-Aid.
~*~*~
BOOTH: Who blows up Christmas? Who does that, Bones?
~*~*~
OWEN: You're a flunky of a corrupt regime and it is my duty to resist you!
BONES: Well, I should warn you, he… he's very hard to resist.
BOOTH: Thanks, Bones.
BONES: Sure.
~*~*~
MAX: You see, Margaret is a big fan of Benjamin Franklin.
MARGARET: Yes. He was the smartest man who ever lived. His advice has... never failed me.
BONES: Actually, the person with the highest recorded IQ is Marilyn vos Savant.
MARGARET: Ooh. "Tim was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on."
BONES: I don't think this is going to work.
MAX: Listen, family reunions are always awkward.
~*~*~
BOOTH: You were in the military, right? You're trained in explosives.
OWEN: So what? Explosives and ordnances are part of Basic Training.
BOOTH: I don't think that they meant for you to use your Basic Training experience to, uh, rob banks.
~*~*~
BOOTH: So, I've decided to take you up on your offer.
BONES: What offer?
BOOTH: Uh, you inviting me to your house for Christmas dinner? … You forgot you invited me.
BONES: No, it's just... No! My dad brought by my second cousin and... I really didn't like her.
BOOTH: Well, that makes sense.
BONES: Why do you say that?
BOOTH: Well, because she's family. I mean, 90% of the time, family just gets under your skin. That's the difference between family and friends.
BONES: She's unapologetically dogmatic. She lives her entire life based on the quotations of Benjamin Franklin.
BOOTH: Maybe she feels the same way about you and your mania for logic.
BONES: Mania?
BOOTH: Okay, enthusiasm. Look, if you ditch this opportunity because a family member annoys you, it just... it just goes with the family territory.
BONES: Hmm. That's true; you and Jared can barely be in the same room together.
BOOTH: Well, he's a whole other kettle of fish. I'll tell you that. He's just annoying.
~*~*~
BONES: Cam says that the victim's mother is burying him on Christmas morning.
BOOTH: I heard that.
BONES: It was just him and his mom, right?
BOOTH: Yeah, guy worked alone. He never had time for any friends.
(Bones nods, pauses)
BOOTH: What's wrong?
BONES: Max told me that being alone at Christmas means that nobody loves you. She's burying her son. Alone. On Christmas. I think that's heartbreaking.
BOOTH: You know, when I say "heartbreaking," you say that the heart is a muscle so it... it can't break, it can only get crushed.
BONES: Isn't it heart-crushing?
BOOTH: You want to go to his funeral?
BONES: Yes. I would. Then... she won't be alone.
BOOTH: You know what, Bones? Sometimes I think your heart muscle is bigger than people give you credit for.
~*~*~
OWEN: (on radio for last time) A man died this week. By all accounts, he was a good man. Loved his mother, worked hard, shouldered his responsibilities. He was a man that any one of us would be proud to call "friend." I killed him. With this microphone. I killed him by going on these airwaves and sharing my rage with you. Spreading my rage. Now, you can say that it wasn't my fault, that it was a coincidence. I thought about that. Thought about it a lot. But the fact is... The fact is, if it weren't for me, he might still be alive. I'm so sorry for that. And I remembered something that I forgot over the last few years: that God is not only a god of anger and vengeance. Now, my religious beliefs tell me that Christ did not die in vain. That He died to redeem us all. And I intend to show that this good, simple man also did not die in vain. That he redeemed one angry, shouting man. So these are the last words I will ever broadcast. And I hope they're the words you remember best. Peace on Earth.
~*~*~
ANGELA: Thanks. So you think that we should feel like big, giant losers that we're not spending Christmas with family?
HODGINS: There's more than one kind of family.
~*~*~
MARGARET: "He that would fish must venture his bait."
BOOTH[/b: ] (from the dining room) Bones, when are we gonna eat? I'm starving.
[b]BONES: Well, right now. (to Margaret) If Booth wants to fish, he'll fish. What on earth are you trying to say?
MAX: Honey, families always give unwanted advice.
BONES: Unwanted advice? You… you have to stop quoting Benjamin Franklin at me.
MARGARET: Why?
BONES: Well, I have no evidence of this, but I feel that every time you do that, it's not actually communication. I feel the same way when people tell jokes.
MARGARET: Hmm. I never thought of it that way.
BONES: I'd rather hear what you have to say than Benjamin Franklin.
MARGARET: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
~*~*~
MAX: Tempe. This is your gathering. Wouldn't you like to say something?
BONES: Oh, um... (stands) Thank you, everyone, for coming. Let's eat. (sits)
MAX: No. I-I mean, would you like to say something about Christmas?
BONES: Okay. (stands) Um, Christmas has its roots in the pagan festival of Saturnalia, which is traditionally celebrated by intoxication, naked singing and the consumption of human-shaped biscuits.
BOOTH (quickly standing) : I think what Bones is trying to say here is that we're all just happy that we are all together.
BONES: Well, we're all together every day.
MARGARET: Not me. No, I'm not here every day.
MAX: Well, it's a different kind of together.
BOOTH (toasting): To family... friends... lovers... family... and food.
BONES: You said "family" twice. It's repetitious.
BOOTH: It's a good toast, though. Cheers. Okay?
BONES: Cheers.
EVERYONE: Cheers, Merry Christmas.
BOOTH: All right.
MARGARET: What do we do now?
BOOTH: Ah, let's say a prayer.
BONES: No, no prayer, not in my place.
BOOTH: Bones, I always pray.
BONES: Maybe just a moment of silence.
BOOTH: Hold hands. (they do) Silent night….
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