Bones: The Critic in the Cabernet
September 24th 2009 19:41
Also known as the Family Guy crossover, and the episode in which Bones decides she wants to have a baby.
Through a typical ‘say whatever word comes to mind when your partner says a word’ exercise, Bones sudden realizes that she wants to have a baby, and that Booth would be an excellent donor. Both Sweets and Booth can only stare at her. Is she serious? Thankfully, Booth gets a phone call that there’s been a murder. Bones heads out, and Booth follows her, stopping at the door to hiss, “This is all your fault!” to Sweets on his way out the door.
The body they find has been turned to a very rubbery purple skeleton (or as Booth describes it, a “rubber purple smurf”) because someone stuffed it into a barrel of red wine. After suspecting the husbands wife (he’d fathered a child with another woman at the same time his wife was pregnant), they find out that it was, in fact, a rival wine producer. He was counterfeiting the victim’s wine to make money to get back at a guy for bogus lawsuits. The victim found out, and he killed him.
Sweets: It’s quite simple. Whatever Agent Booth says, you respond with whatever word or phrase pops into your head. And vice versa.
Bones: That’s ridiculous, I can’t properly respond without careful thought.
Booth: Look, can’t we just make it a drinking game?
Sweets: No, this is a valuable psychological tool, Agent Booth. When you respond viscerally, we can get to the root of your emotional issues and figure out what binds you two together as partners.
Booth: Donuts.
Sweets: I beg your pardon?
Booth: Donuts. Glazed donuts. I can see ‘em right there.
Bones: Because you had no breakfast, you’re hungry!
Booth: I’m starving!
Bones: Yeah!
Sweets: No, that’s not the proper response.
Bones: Of course it is. I’m explaining why he said donuts.
Sweets: The point of the exercise is not to explain but to respond, okay? Children can do this.
Bones: Because it’s childish.
Sweets: Can we just try it, please?
Booth: Alright, okay, fine, here we go, you ready? …Hunger.
Bones: Sex.
Booth: Whoa--
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Cowboy.
Bones: Child.
Booth: Baby.
Bones: Booth.
Booth: Whoa, wait, you think I’m a baby?
Bones: You’re a father.
Booth: Oh, mother.
Bones: Birth.
Booth: Happy.
Bones: Sperm.
Booth: Sperm? Isn’t this getting a little weird?
Sweets: No, keep going.
Booth: Okay, egg.
Bones: I want a baby.
Booth: Whoa!
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Wait, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Sweets: Yeah, we can stop here.
Bones: I actually found that quite interesting.
Booth: (whispering) You want to have a baby?
Bones: Yes, I do. I just—I just realized that. I should have a progeny, it’s selfish of me not to.
Sweets: Selfish?
Bones: Yes.
Booth: Don’t you need, you know, a guy to…
Bones: Just sperm. (beat) You’d be a very good donor potentially.
Booth: Me?
Bones: But you need to be tested of course.
(Booth’s phone rings, Sweets just continues to stare at them)
Bones: Is something wrong?
Booth: Yeah! You don’t just go around asking for people’s sperm! (into phone) Yeah, no I wasn’t talking to you.
~*~*~
Sweets: This is a well-researched therapeutic technique, Agent Booth.
Booth: Or really? This happens all the time, patients asking for sperm?
~*~*~
Booth: (to Sweets) This is all your fault!
~*~*~
Booth: Whoa, whoa!
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Enough, okay? We’ll talk about it later.
~*~*~
Bones: Exposure to air turned the wine to vinegar.
Booth: Looks like a purple smurf.
Bones: Pelvic bone indicates a male. (bends bone)
Booth: A rubber purple smurf!
Bones: Bones in vinegar leech calcium and will become gelatinous within three days.
Booth: That is actually cool.
~*~*~
Hodgins: Okay, I’ve got a grommet, three nickels, and I’m guessing a chocolate kiss.
Cam: Bingo! A chuck of liver. Enough for a tox screen.
~*~*~
Bones: I’ve decided to have a baby.
Cam: Wait, a baby, like a small human?
Bones: Yes. I know I’ve had no interest in the past, but neither have you and you seem to find parenthood very fulfilling.
Cam: Uh, yes, I do. And you brought this up now, why?
Bones: Oh, I wanted to give you notice. I’ll be needing some time off when the baby comes. About six weeks I imagine? (goes back to bone) The staining makes it very difficult to see any anomalies on the bones.
Hodgins: Is there a father?
Bones: I’d like to use Booth’s sperm.
Cam: Booth! What do you know…
~*~*~
Hodgins: Dr. Brennan wants to have a baby.
Fisher: I offered my sperm but she’s leaning more toward Agent Booth.
~*~*~
Angela: You can’t just announce you’re having a baby and walk away.
Bones: 15,000 babies are born every hour, it’s not all that exceptional, Angela.
Angela: Brennan, this is crazy.
Bones: Why? I’m intellectually gifted, financially secure. Statistically I could expect to have an exceptional child.
Angela: Fine, yes, absolutely. But you do know how this is supposed to work right? (at Bones’s look) You get naked together, you devour each other in a passionate frenzy--
Bones: Booth would think that would create an emotional bond between us.
Angela: (sarcastically) Of course that’s ridiculous.
Bones: I knew you’d understand.
Angela: Then why use Booth at all? Why not use Fisher and his discount sperm?
Bones: Booth has a larger mandible, and a more prominant zygomatic fissure, as well as a more pronounced ratio between the width of his clavicles and his illia.
Angela: So it’s because Booth is hot. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Bones: Statistically, attractive people are more successful. I’m only thinking of the child.
Angela: Then do this right, sweetie.
Bones: I am. Emotional ties are ephemeral and undependable.
~*~*~
Booth: So why are you here and why didn’t you just send an e-mail.
Cam: So you and Brennan, you’re gonna have a baby?
Booth: She told you?
Cam: She told everyone. It’s probably on the news by now.
Booth: I’m just donating.
Cam: So you decided?
Booth: No, no, I am decidING. I-N-G, ing.
Cam: I know you, Seeley, you’re gonna do it. You want to do it, without really doing it, but it’s still doing it even if you’re not doing it the way it should be done.
Booth: She wants a kid, okay? It’ll make her more personable with people.
Cam: And what will it do for you?
Booth: She’ll get what she wanted.
Cam: A piece of you?
~*~*~
Booth: Uh, you know, if we go, uh, through with this and I’m around, and if you—if you need help…
Bones: I’ll have a nanny.
Booth: I figured, but, you know, if it’s her day off.
Bones: You don’t have faith that I can do it?
Booth: What?
Bones: You think that’d be a good mother, don’t you?
Booth: Yeah, of course.
Bones: I know sometimes you don’t think that I can be empathetic. And, it can be difficult for me sometimes, but I would love my child, Booth. I would.
Booth: I know, I know that Bones.
Bones: I know people disapprove. If you’re uncomfortable, Fisher sells his sperm monthly, he’s very intelligent.
Booth: Fisher? Fi--Whoa, no, you are not having Fisher’s kid. You’d be giving birth to the spawn of Satan, okay? I’ll do it.
Bones: No obligation, I don’t want you to feel any obligation.
Booth: I’ll do it, don’t worry about it, okay? It’s your kid. It’s totally yours.
Bones: I’m not worried about it.
Booth: I’m just saying I’ll do it.
~*~*~
Bones: Would you like legal protection?
Booth: What?
Bones: With the child, so you feel secure that I won’t be asking for money or support.
Booth: No, I don’t need any protection.
Bones: But if you do—
Booth: I don’t.
~*~*~
Booth: Whoa! My boys can swim, arlight? I have a child, remember?
~*~*~
Booth: You really liked holding that kid, didn’t you?
Bones: Yeah, I’ve been thinking how exciting it will be to expose my own child to early pattern recognition.
Booth: You know, they like singing and uh, when make funny faces too.
Bones: Yeah of course. I will make a diverse schedule.
~*~*~
Fisher: This is weird, something good is happening.
Hodgins: Take a deep breath, I’m sure it’ll pass.
~*~*~
Fisher: There is no certainty except death and the incomprehensible conundrum that is life.
~*~*~
Fisher: Yeah, I never found humor in grown men giving each other concussions with construction equipment.
~*~*~
Stewie: (appears on the TV) Why are you here at the bank, Booth?
Booth: Ah!
Stewie: You’ve got a hot doctor friend, go to her and make a direct deposit like a man!
~*~*~
Stewie: What’s your the problem? You’re threatened by a cute harmless baby? Grow a set! You do want her to have your baby, don’t you?
Booth: Of course I do! It’s just—I want her to have a baby because it’s what SHE wants.
Stewie: And you could just walk away like a heartless cad while she changes poo all by her lonesome?
Booth: It’s what she wants!
~*~*~
Stewie: You know, you’re not a bad lookin’ fellow if you’d just keep an open mind.
Booth: Go back to cartoon land, or wherever you came from—Leave!
Stewie: You sure? I’m good at pretend games.
~*~*~
Sweets: But right now, I’m more interested in whether or not you’ve decided to inseminate Dr. Brennan.
~*~*~
Booth: Sperm count: 28.8 million. I could start my own country!
~*~*~
Fisher: You’re gonna be a good mother.
Bones: I would imagine so.
~*~*~
Bones: Phalanges! Dancing phalanges!
Booth: Bones.
Bones: Right, sorry.
~*~*~
Bones: Research shows that babies strongly resemble their fathers in the first year of life. The evolutionary theory being that they’re less likely to be abandoned if the fathers recognize themselves in their offspring.
Booth: Oh, does that mean your kid will look like me? At least for the first year?
Bones: There’s a high statistical probability, yes.
~*~*~
Angela: I tried to talk to Brennan about that whole baby thing. She won’t listen to me.
Cam: Neither will Booth. Guess all we can do is board up the windows and hope the levees hold.
Angela: It’s none of our business.
Cam: Exactly right.
Angela: Ah, that kid is gonna be so cute though.
Cam: Please, we’re gonna go nuts.
Angela: I bought it a little onesie today.
~*~*~
Sweets: You’re using Agent Booth to have a child. You don’t see how that might relate to your partnership?
Bones: It has nothing to do with our work.
Sweets: Wow, okay, uh…let me just organize my thoughts here.
Bones: It’s not like I’m going to be bringing the child along when we interrogate someone.
Booth: Ah but you might decide to breast feed, it is healthier.
Bones: Oh that’s true. So there might be some cross-over, I can see that now. I’m sorry, go on.
Sweets: I think you need to acknowledge that there are some emotional considerations that you might be denying.
Bones: Like…what?
Sweets: There are sperm banks that guarantee high IQs, and exceptional physical prowess, yet you specifically chose Agent Booth. Why?
Bones: He has traits like courage and compassion and empathy that would be tremendous assets to my child. Sperm banks don’t catalogue those traits.
Booth: Did you just say something nice?
Bones: No, I gave an objective evaluation.
Booth: Oh, because it sounded like you said something nice.
Bones: No.
Sweets: (exasperated) How can you two not see what’s going on here?
~*~*~
Angela: Did you ever think, what if Booth is the perfect father for your child? Not just his stuff, but him? What if you’re throwing away the chance to have a family, a real family, because you’re scared?
Bones: Scared, why would I be scared? I’ve been to Rwanda, to Iraq.
Angela: Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We’re here one minute and then we’re gone the next. You should know that better than anybody. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever gonna touch you.
Bones: Sweets says it’s not his job to tell somebody what they’re feeling or how they should live their life.
Angela: Lucky thing I’m not a shrink.
~*~*~
Stewie: Why doesn’t he just clam up and ask for a lawyer? (to Charles Dunwood) You sir, are a boob.
Booth: Some people, they just feel remorse, and they want to set the record straight
Stewie: Oh please, he makes wine a homeless person wouldn’t use to cook with. He never felt remorse about that.
Booth: Nobody asked you.
Bones: Booth, who are you talking to?
Charles Dunwood: What’s goin’ on?
Booth: Nothing, just uh, go on.
Charles Dunwood: I followed him to Mortenson’s, he had one of the bottles, it was late…
Stewie: And you cornered him in the wine cellar and beat him to death to shut him up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we know!
Booth: Shut up! Shut up!
Bones: Booth, WHO are you talking to?
Stewie: So, are you gonna let her have this baby alone?
Booth: I didn’t say that.
Stewie: You are! You’re going to abandon your child! Oh night’s deepest gloom washes over my tiny frame--
Booth: No, I’m not gonna—I can’t walk away, I never said that, okay? Do you understand? I can’t walk away. This is my kid. If I can’t be involved, I don’t want her to have the baby!
Stewie: And the sun shines again! Good man, Boothy!
Charles Dunwood: What the hell’s goin’ on here?
Bones: You shut up and don’t move. Booth, you’re coming with me.
(she drags him out of the room)
Stewie: Hey wait! Stop! You’re leaving a helpless child alone with a killer! Stop!
~*~*~
Bones: What is going on ?
Booth: I can’t do it. Listen, I have to be involved. If I’m the father, I have to BE the father.
Bones: You were seeing something in there, what were you seeing?
Booth: Stewie. You know, the baby from Family Guy.
Bones: You saw Stewie, in there? In the interrogation room?
Booth: So what do you say about the kid?
Bones: Fine, I won’t have a baby.
Booth: Fine, that’s it?
Bones: It doesn’t matter now, we’re going to the hospital.
Booth: It’s no big deal, okay?
Bones: No, it is! Booth, you thought you saw Luke Robatai, and then the ghost of a dead friend, and now a cartoon baby. Trust me, something is wrong. Trust me!
~*~*~
Sweets: They should have the catscan results by now.
Cam: They’re getting a second opinion.
Sweets: Well then the other doctor should have been standing by!
Angela: Are you alright, Sweets?
Sweets: No, no I’m not. I’m not the level-headed shrink at the moment, I’m just the guy who’s friend is in trouble, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. Okay? I’m sorry, I just need a moment.
Angela: Sure.
Hodgins: Man, just when you think you know what’s what. Man, we can’t take anything for granted, can we?
Angela: Why is it so easy to forget that?
Hodgins: Ang, when we split, either one of us could have stopped it. It would have been easy.
Angela: I know.
Hodgins: Just as easy…to begin again.
~*~*~
Bones: Brain tumor. It’s usually benign.
Cam: Usually…
Bones: They’re prepping him for surgery now.
Hodgins: Wow, so fast.
Bones: They didn’t want to take any chances.
Angela: Go. He shouldn’t be alone before he goes in, Brennan.
Bones: (near tears) I just wanted all of you to know, statistically he should be fine.
~*~*~
Bones: The surgery should take about two hours.
Booth: I was getting used to hallucinating. Now I’ll get lonely. (laughs)
Bones: You’re gonna be fine, Booth.
~*~*~
Booth: Will you come in there with me? To the operating room?
Bones: I’ll see you in recovery.
Booth: Ah come on, what are you gonna do, sit in the waiting room and read all those old magazines for hours?
Bones: I’m not a neurologist, Booth, or a surgeon.
Booth: Yeah, but you’re a genius. It’s good enough for me. Plus you’ll know if they’re screwin’ up.
Bones: I’ll ask.
~*~*~
Booth: Listen Bones, if I don’t make it…
Bones: Booth, you’re gonna be fine.
Booth: But if I’m not? I want you to have my stuff, you know, for a kid.
Bones: Booth…
Booth: I want you to…You’re gonna be a really good mom.
Bones: You’re gonna be fine, Booth. I’ll be right here.
Booth: I’m ready.
(they wheel him into surgery)
Through a typical ‘say whatever word comes to mind when your partner says a word’ exercise, Bones sudden realizes that she wants to have a baby, and that Booth would be an excellent donor. Both Sweets and Booth can only stare at her. Is she serious? Thankfully, Booth gets a phone call that there’s been a murder. Bones heads out, and Booth follows her, stopping at the door to hiss, “This is all your fault!” to Sweets on his way out the door.
The body they find has been turned to a very rubbery purple skeleton (or as Booth describes it, a “rubber purple smurf”) because someone stuffed it into a barrel of red wine. After suspecting the husbands wife (he’d fathered a child with another woman at the same time his wife was pregnant), they find out that it was, in fact, a rival wine producer. He was counterfeiting the victim’s wine to make money to get back at a guy for bogus lawsuits. The victim found out, and he killed him.
Sweets: It’s quite simple. Whatever Agent Booth says, you respond with whatever word or phrase pops into your head. And vice versa.
Bones: That’s ridiculous, I can’t properly respond without careful thought.
Booth: Look, can’t we just make it a drinking game?
Sweets: No, this is a valuable psychological tool, Agent Booth. When you respond viscerally, we can get to the root of your emotional issues and figure out what binds you two together as partners.
Booth: Donuts.
Sweets: I beg your pardon?
Booth: Donuts. Glazed donuts. I can see ‘em right there.
Bones: Because you had no breakfast, you’re hungry!
Booth: I’m starving!
Bones: Yeah!
Sweets: No, that’s not the proper response.
Bones: Of course it is. I’m explaining why he said donuts.
Sweets: The point of the exercise is not to explain but to respond, okay? Children can do this.
Bones: Because it’s childish.
Sweets: Can we just try it, please?
Booth: Alright, okay, fine, here we go, you ready? …Hunger.
Bones: Sex.
Booth: Whoa--
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Cowboy.
Bones: Child.
Booth: Baby.
Bones: Booth.
Booth: Whoa, wait, you think I’m a baby?
Bones: You’re a father.
Booth: Oh, mother.
Bones: Birth.
Booth: Happy.
Bones: Sperm.
Booth: Sperm? Isn’t this getting a little weird?
Sweets: No, keep going.
Booth: Okay, egg.
Bones: I want a baby.
Booth: Whoa!
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Wait, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Sweets: Yeah, we can stop here.
Bones: I actually found that quite interesting.
Booth: (whispering) You want to have a baby?
Bones: Yes, I do. I just—I just realized that. I should have a progeny, it’s selfish of me not to.
Sweets: Selfish?
Bones: Yes.
Booth: Don’t you need, you know, a guy to…
Bones: Just sperm. (beat) You’d be a very good donor potentially.
Booth: Me?
Bones: But you need to be tested of course.
(Booth’s phone rings, Sweets just continues to stare at them)
Bones: Is something wrong?
Booth: Yeah! You don’t just go around asking for people’s sperm! (into phone) Yeah, no I wasn’t talking to you.
~*~*~
Sweets: This is a well-researched therapeutic technique, Agent Booth.
Booth: Or really? This happens all the time, patients asking for sperm?
~*~*~
Booth: (to Sweets) This is all your fault!
~*~*~
Booth: Whoa, whoa!
Bones: Horse.
Booth: Enough, okay? We’ll talk about it later.
~*~*~
Bones: Exposure to air turned the wine to vinegar.
Booth: Looks like a purple smurf.
Bones: Pelvic bone indicates a male. (bends bone)
Booth: A rubber purple smurf!
Bones: Bones in vinegar leech calcium and will become gelatinous within three days.
Booth: That is actually cool.
~*~*~
Hodgins: Okay, I’ve got a grommet, three nickels, and I’m guessing a chocolate kiss.
Cam: Bingo! A chuck of liver. Enough for a tox screen.
~*~*~
Bones: I’ve decided to have a baby.
Cam: Wait, a baby, like a small human?
Bones: Yes. I know I’ve had no interest in the past, but neither have you and you seem to find parenthood very fulfilling.
Cam: Uh, yes, I do. And you brought this up now, why?
Bones: Oh, I wanted to give you notice. I’ll be needing some time off when the baby comes. About six weeks I imagine? (goes back to bone) The staining makes it very difficult to see any anomalies on the bones.
Hodgins: Is there a father?
Bones: I’d like to use Booth’s sperm.
Cam: Booth! What do you know…
~*~*~
Hodgins: Dr. Brennan wants to have a baby.
Fisher: I offered my sperm but she’s leaning more toward Agent Booth.
~*~*~
Angela: You can’t just announce you’re having a baby and walk away.
Bones: 15,000 babies are born every hour, it’s not all that exceptional, Angela.
Angela: Brennan, this is crazy.
Bones: Why? I’m intellectually gifted, financially secure. Statistically I could expect to have an exceptional child.
Angela: Fine, yes, absolutely. But you do know how this is supposed to work right? (at Bones’s look) You get naked together, you devour each other in a passionate frenzy--
Bones: Booth would think that would create an emotional bond between us.
Angela: (sarcastically) Of course that’s ridiculous.
Bones: I knew you’d understand.
Angela: Then why use Booth at all? Why not use Fisher and his discount sperm?
Bones: Booth has a larger mandible, and a more prominant zygomatic fissure, as well as a more pronounced ratio between the width of his clavicles and his illia.
Angela: So it’s because Booth is hot. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Bones: Statistically, attractive people are more successful. I’m only thinking of the child.
Angela: Then do this right, sweetie.
Bones: I am. Emotional ties are ephemeral and undependable.
~*~*~
Booth: So why are you here and why didn’t you just send an e-mail.
Cam: So you and Brennan, you’re gonna have a baby?
Booth: She told you?
Cam: She told everyone. It’s probably on the news by now.
Booth: I’m just donating.
Cam: So you decided?
Booth: No, no, I am decidING. I-N-G, ing.
Cam: I know you, Seeley, you’re gonna do it. You want to do it, without really doing it, but it’s still doing it even if you’re not doing it the way it should be done.
Booth: She wants a kid, okay? It’ll make her more personable with people.
Cam: And what will it do for you?
Booth: She’ll get what she wanted.
Cam: A piece of you?
~*~*~
Booth: Uh, you know, if we go, uh, through with this and I’m around, and if you—if you need help…
Bones: I’ll have a nanny.
Booth: I figured, but, you know, if it’s her day off.
Bones: You don’t have faith that I can do it?
Booth: What?
Bones: You think that’d be a good mother, don’t you?
Booth: Yeah, of course.
Bones: I know sometimes you don’t think that I can be empathetic. And, it can be difficult for me sometimes, but I would love my child, Booth. I would.
Booth: I know, I know that Bones.
Bones: I know people disapprove. If you’re uncomfortable, Fisher sells his sperm monthly, he’s very intelligent.
Booth: Fisher? Fi--Whoa, no, you are not having Fisher’s kid. You’d be giving birth to the spawn of Satan, okay? I’ll do it.
Bones: No obligation, I don’t want you to feel any obligation.
Booth: I’ll do it, don’t worry about it, okay? It’s your kid. It’s totally yours.
Bones: I’m not worried about it.
Booth: I’m just saying I’ll do it.
~*~*~
Bones: Would you like legal protection?
Booth: What?
Bones: With the child, so you feel secure that I won’t be asking for money or support.
Booth: No, I don’t need any protection.
Bones: But if you do—
Booth: I don’t.
~*~*~
Booth: Whoa! My boys can swim, arlight? I have a child, remember?
~*~*~
Booth: You really liked holding that kid, didn’t you?
Bones: Yeah, I’ve been thinking how exciting it will be to expose my own child to early pattern recognition.
Booth: You know, they like singing and uh, when make funny faces too.
Bones: Yeah of course. I will make a diverse schedule.
~*~*~
Fisher: This is weird, something good is happening.
Hodgins: Take a deep breath, I’m sure it’ll pass.
~*~*~
Fisher: There is no certainty except death and the incomprehensible conundrum that is life.
~*~*~
Fisher: Yeah, I never found humor in grown men giving each other concussions with construction equipment.
~*~*~
Stewie: (appears on the TV) Why are you here at the bank, Booth?
Booth: Ah!
Stewie: You’ve got a hot doctor friend, go to her and make a direct deposit like a man!
~*~*~
Stewie: What’s your the problem? You’re threatened by a cute harmless baby? Grow a set! You do want her to have your baby, don’t you?
Booth: Of course I do! It’s just—I want her to have a baby because it’s what SHE wants.
Stewie: And you could just walk away like a heartless cad while she changes poo all by her lonesome?
Booth: It’s what she wants!
~*~*~
Stewie: You know, you’re not a bad lookin’ fellow if you’d just keep an open mind.
Booth: Go back to cartoon land, or wherever you came from—Leave!
Stewie: You sure? I’m good at pretend games.
~*~*~
Sweets: But right now, I’m more interested in whether or not you’ve decided to inseminate Dr. Brennan.
~*~*~
Booth: Sperm count: 28.8 million. I could start my own country!
~*~*~
Fisher: You’re gonna be a good mother.
Bones: I would imagine so.
~*~*~
Bones: Phalanges! Dancing phalanges!
Booth: Bones.
Bones: Right, sorry.
~*~*~
Bones: Research shows that babies strongly resemble their fathers in the first year of life. The evolutionary theory being that they’re less likely to be abandoned if the fathers recognize themselves in their offspring.
Booth: Oh, does that mean your kid will look like me? At least for the first year?
Bones: There’s a high statistical probability, yes.
~*~*~
Angela: I tried to talk to Brennan about that whole baby thing. She won’t listen to me.
Cam: Neither will Booth. Guess all we can do is board up the windows and hope the levees hold.
Angela: It’s none of our business.
Cam: Exactly right.
Angela: Ah, that kid is gonna be so cute though.
Cam: Please, we’re gonna go nuts.
Angela: I bought it a little onesie today.
~*~*~
Sweets: You’re using Agent Booth to have a child. You don’t see how that might relate to your partnership?
Bones: It has nothing to do with our work.
Sweets: Wow, okay, uh…let me just organize my thoughts here.
Bones: It’s not like I’m going to be bringing the child along when we interrogate someone.
Booth: Ah but you might decide to breast feed, it is healthier.
Bones: Oh that’s true. So there might be some cross-over, I can see that now. I’m sorry, go on.
Sweets: I think you need to acknowledge that there are some emotional considerations that you might be denying.
Bones: Like…what?
Sweets: There are sperm banks that guarantee high IQs, and exceptional physical prowess, yet you specifically chose Agent Booth. Why?
Bones: He has traits like courage and compassion and empathy that would be tremendous assets to my child. Sperm banks don’t catalogue those traits.
Booth: Did you just say something nice?
Bones: No, I gave an objective evaluation.
Booth: Oh, because it sounded like you said something nice.
Bones: No.
Sweets: (exasperated) How can you two not see what’s going on here?
~*~*~
Angela: Did you ever think, what if Booth is the perfect father for your child? Not just his stuff, but him? What if you’re throwing away the chance to have a family, a real family, because you’re scared?
Bones: Scared, why would I be scared? I’ve been to Rwanda, to Iraq.
Angela: Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We’re here one minute and then we’re gone the next. You should know that better than anybody. If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever gonna touch you.
Bones: Sweets says it’s not his job to tell somebody what they’re feeling or how they should live their life.
Angela: Lucky thing I’m not a shrink.
~*~*~
Stewie: Why doesn’t he just clam up and ask for a lawyer? (to Charles Dunwood) You sir, are a boob.
Booth: Some people, they just feel remorse, and they want to set the record straight
Stewie: Oh please, he makes wine a homeless person wouldn’t use to cook with. He never felt remorse about that.
Booth: Nobody asked you.
Bones: Booth, who are you talking to?
Charles Dunwood: What’s goin’ on?
Booth: Nothing, just uh, go on.
Charles Dunwood: I followed him to Mortenson’s, he had one of the bottles, it was late…
Stewie: And you cornered him in the wine cellar and beat him to death to shut him up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we know!
Booth: Shut up! Shut up!
Bones: Booth, WHO are you talking to?
Stewie: So, are you gonna let her have this baby alone?
Booth: I didn’t say that.
Stewie: You are! You’re going to abandon your child! Oh night’s deepest gloom washes over my tiny frame--
Booth: No, I’m not gonna—I can’t walk away, I never said that, okay? Do you understand? I can’t walk away. This is my kid. If I can’t be involved, I don’t want her to have the baby!
Stewie: And the sun shines again! Good man, Boothy!
Charles Dunwood: What the hell’s goin’ on here?
Bones: You shut up and don’t move. Booth, you’re coming with me.
(she drags him out of the room)
Stewie: Hey wait! Stop! You’re leaving a helpless child alone with a killer! Stop!
~*~*~
Bones: What is going on ?
Booth: I can’t do it. Listen, I have to be involved. If I’m the father, I have to BE the father.
Bones: You were seeing something in there, what were you seeing?
Booth: Stewie. You know, the baby from Family Guy.
Bones: You saw Stewie, in there? In the interrogation room?
Booth: So what do you say about the kid?
Bones: Fine, I won’t have a baby.
Booth: Fine, that’s it?
Bones: It doesn’t matter now, we’re going to the hospital.
Booth: It’s no big deal, okay?
Bones: No, it is! Booth, you thought you saw Luke Robatai, and then the ghost of a dead friend, and now a cartoon baby. Trust me, something is wrong. Trust me!
~*~*~
Sweets: They should have the catscan results by now.
Cam: They’re getting a second opinion.
Sweets: Well then the other doctor should have been standing by!
Angela: Are you alright, Sweets?
Sweets: No, no I’m not. I’m not the level-headed shrink at the moment, I’m just the guy who’s friend is in trouble, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. Okay? I’m sorry, I just need a moment.
Angela: Sure.
Hodgins: Man, just when you think you know what’s what. Man, we can’t take anything for granted, can we?
Angela: Why is it so easy to forget that?
Hodgins: Ang, when we split, either one of us could have stopped it. It would have been easy.
Angela: I know.
Hodgins: Just as easy…to begin again.
~*~*~
Bones: Brain tumor. It’s usually benign.
Cam: Usually…
Bones: They’re prepping him for surgery now.
Hodgins: Wow, so fast.
Bones: They didn’t want to take any chances.
Angela: Go. He shouldn’t be alone before he goes in, Brennan.
Bones: (near tears) I just wanted all of you to know, statistically he should be fine.
~*~*~
Bones: The surgery should take about two hours.
Booth: I was getting used to hallucinating. Now I’ll get lonely. (laughs)
Bones: You’re gonna be fine, Booth.
~*~*~
Booth: Will you come in there with me? To the operating room?
Bones: I’ll see you in recovery.
Booth: Ah come on, what are you gonna do, sit in the waiting room and read all those old magazines for hours?
Bones: I’m not a neurologist, Booth, or a surgeon.
Booth: Yeah, but you’re a genius. It’s good enough for me. Plus you’ll know if they’re screwin’ up.
Bones: I’ll ask.
~*~*~
Booth: Listen Bones, if I don’t make it…
Bones: Booth, you’re gonna be fine.
Booth: But if I’m not? I want you to have my stuff, you know, for a kid.
Bones: Booth…
Booth: I want you to…You’re gonna be a really good mom.
Bones: You’re gonna be fine, Booth. I’ll be right here.
Booth: I’m ready.
(they wheel him into surgery)
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