Bones: The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
March 4th 2010 20:53
It’s murder in suburbia. When a man show up (or rather, sort of blows up) in the firepit of the neighborhood Hawaiian-themed party, everyone is a suspect, and it turns out half of them are guilty. Meanwhile, Parker tries to get all the women in the lab to date his dad because he wants a pool.
Cam (to Booth): Why are you standing there like a security guard? (Parker steps out from behind Booth) Parker, hey!
~*~*~
Parker: Let’s go see the cooked person!
Booth: You know our deal.
Bones: What’s your deal?
Parker: We’re not allowed to talk about the bad parts of Dad’s work until I have armpit hair.
~*~*~
Parker: I want to see the barbequed body.
Angela: Well I agree that does sound awesome, but I have face paints that your dad will never be able to get off no matter how hard he scrubs. They’re basically tattoos.
Parker: Okay, I’m with you.
~*~*~
Booth: That’s not true about the face paints is it?
Angela (to Parker): You’re with me, Baby Booth.
~*~*~
Booth: That was creepy.
Bones: I warned you about the suburbs.
~*~*~
Arastoo (suddenly losing accent): I’m a scientist okay? Just like the rest of you. I can deal, so please, just back off and let me do my job like anyone else!
Cam: (shocked) Wow.
Arastoo: (with accent) I apologize for my outburst.
Cam: Oh you’re not even gonna try and unring that bell are you?
Arastoo: I have to pray. (runs off)
~*~*~
Hodgins: I call do-over.
~*~*~
Parker: What does celibacy mean?
Angela: It’s um…I don’t have a boyfriend, no.
Parker: What about my dad?
Angela: I don’t think he has a boyfriend either.
Parker: No, he really really needs a girlfriend. Really.
Angela: Why?
Parker: To sex up.
Angela: That’s very succinctly put.
Parker: Could dad sex you up?
Angela: (laughs) Don’t think I haven’t considered that, but I’m sort of on the sidelines for now. But thank you for thinking of me.
~*~*~
Cam: I’m not hanging up because I don’t have an answer to that I’m just hanging up.
~*~*~
Hodgins: I ran a metal detector through all the crap we found at the bottom of the pit.
Cam: Crap.
Hodgins: Yeah, it’s a technical term.
~*~*~
Parker: Hi Dr. Saroyan. Do you have a boyfriend?
Angela: See, this is exactly how it started with me.
~*~*~
Booth: You seriously believe all that hoohaw?
Bones: Well it’s anthropology, so yes.
Sweets: Wrong ‘ology’, keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych.
~*~*~
Booth: Parker has been asking all the women I work with to be my girlfriend.
Sweets: Well, the women you work with are beautiful.
~*~*~
Cam: Saltpeter’s fairly harmless.
Booth: Saltpeter is not harmless, okay? I went to Catholic school.
Cam: That’s a total myth, Booth.
Bones: No, Booth did actually go to Catholic school.
~*~*~
(Arastoo comes in, starts talking without his accent)
Hodgins: Whoa!
Angela: Who are you?
Arastoo: I don’t have an accent, I was faking it. But I am devout, I pray five times a day. Now can we get back to work, please?
Angela: Oh no, definitely not.
Hodgins: How do we know you’re not faking this accent?
~*~*~
Booth: It takes a village, Bones.
Bones: Uh, I-beg your pardon?
Booth: A village, to raise a kid properly, you know, it takes a village.
Bones: Metaphorically, it doesn’t mean we all must grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less.
~*~*~
Booth: Will you be my village?
~*~*~
Bones: You want to know if I’ll help you fool your son into thinking your life is gratifying?
Booth: Yeah, will you do it?
Bones: Well, h-How?
Booth: Come to dinner with us, have fun, laugh at my jokes.
Bones: That might actually turn out to BE fun, thus becoming a self-fulfilling desire.
Booth: Right. So, you’ll do it?
Bones: Yes, I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less.
Booth: My village.
Bones: I was being amusing. You should laugh at my jokes too.
Booth: I’m laughing on the inside.
~*~*~
Booth: This is fun, isn’t it fun?
Bones: Yes, I’m having fun, is he?
Booth: Bones, you can ask him yourself.
Bones: Hey, are you having fun?
Parker: Milkshakes are fun and I’m having a milkshake, so yeah I’m having fun.
Bones: That’s an excellent syllogism.
Parker: She thinks I’m silly?
Bones: (to Booth) What’s wrong?
Parker: He needs a girlfriend.
Bones: Well, why doesn’t he have one?
Parker: I don’t know, that’s another thing we can’t talk about until I have hair under my arms.
Booth: Hey, I got a good idea, what do you say we all go bowling and get outta here?
Parker: Couldn’t you be his girlfriend?
Booth: Buddy, you really gotta quit that.
Bones : That would be inappropriate.
Parker: Why?
Bones: Because…we work together.
Parker: That’s a stupid reason.
Booth: (whispering) You know what, Bones I’m really not comfortable with the questions that you’re asking.
Bones: (whispering) Booth, could you maybe trust me for a second? Trust that I can say the right thing? In the time that I’ve been with you, I’ve learned a lot about how to deal with people. (to Parker) Your father is very very good with people.
Parker: Then why doesn’t he have a girlfriend?
Booth: And we’re off, and—(Bones looks at him) Okay, alright, alright.
Bones: Can I ask you a question? (Parker nods) Why do you think your father needs a girlfriend so much?
Booth: Okay Bones, there’s the whole gender/parent dealibob thing going on here, your just gonna confuse him—
Parker: So I can have a pool.
Bones: He doesn’t sound confused.
Booth: A pool?
Parker: Lasky’s dad got a pool with his girlfriend.
Booth: What you mean Lasky with the uh, third nostril?
Parker: Lasky’s dad got a girlfriend, then they got married and moved to a house with a pool. Maybe if you got married, you’d move to a house with a pool that I could swim in!
Bones: Well he seems extremely clear on why he wants you to get a girlfriend. I don’t know why you didn’t just ask him.
Booth: So the whole reason you wanted me to get a girlfriend was so that you could have a pool?
Parker: Mmmhmm, why else would I care?
Bones: (getting out keyring for key) There is a pool in my building the two of you can use as my guests any time.
Parker: Awesome! That’s awesome right Dad?
Bones: No, not awesome, simple Socratic method of solving a problem.
Booth: No, mmm-mmm, Parker’s right, you’re awesome Bones.
Bones: Yeah, I’m awesome. (lifts glass) Cheers. (toasts Parker)
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