Bones: The Baby in the Bough
May 1st 2008 02:51
Booth and Bones find a baby at the crime scene. He does the diapers. She accidentally lets him swallow a key. Great fun ensues at the lab and in the car!
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On the way to the crime scene, Booth and Bones discuss what she should do with her ridiculous amount of money she’s made from her book (and the seven-figurer advance for the next one!). She asks him what he thinks of the Cayman Islands and what he does with his money, and Booth just answers, “I use it. For food and rent.”
They pull up to a car crash and find that the victim was doused in gasoline and set on fire. Bones determines it’s definitely a female who’s given birth…massive skull trama…crushed legs…Booth hears a noise. “Shhh…do you hear that?”
Bones: Sounds like a cat…
*crying*
Booth: A baby!
They all look up to find a baby in a car seat…sitting perfectly happily in a tree! Whereas the EMTs and local cops are shocked that the baby isn’t scratched, Bones reminds them that car seats are designed to protect the baby. Booth looks at her and asks, “From what? Flying out of the back of the car and into a tree?” The baby starts to fuss.
Booth: Oh look at him Bones, he looks a little fussy. Why don’t you pick him up and give him a little cuddle.
Bones: What? Just because I have breasts doesn’t mean I have magical powers over infants! You’re the one with the son…
Booth: Alright fine, I’ll take him. Here you go, you have fun with the diaper bag--*hands it over*--you look good. *goes to pick up the baby* Come on little man, whoahohoo, hi! Say hi to your grumpy old Aunti Bones.
Bones: I’m am not grumpy!
Bones tells the local cop she needs the door and the melted vinyl sent back with the body and the cop tells her he’ll get right on that. He turns to Booth and tells him the kid smells a little ripe. He might want to do something about that.
Being the pro daddy that he is, Booth whips off his jacket and gets ready to give Bones a lesson in “diaper changing 101”. He lays the baby down on his jacket on the hood of the car and asks for the diaper. She hands it over. He asks for the baby powder, and Bones says that she has better things to do with her time…oh yeah and there’s no baby powder. Booth can’t get over a diaper bag without baby powder.
Bones does find a small key, however, tucked into the ripped lining of the bag. When Booth goes off in search of baby powder and an evidence bag, she calls after him, “Wait! Wait, wait, Booth! It’s a baby, I don’t feel comfortable…” He walks off. She turns to the baby. “Coochy coo?” The baby starts to cry.
She quickly starts to look for some toys or something and pulls out a stuffed elephant. “Elephants are not purple. This is wrong.” She hands over the stuffed animal and steps back.
“Hey look at that, he flipped over!”
Booth returns, rushing for the baby. “Bones that’s because you gotta watch him! Jeez! Okay? Whoa!” He starts to change the diaper and asks, “Where’s the key?”
“I put it in your jacket.”
“Next to the baby…”
“Yeah.”
“Are you crazy? Do you know babies put everything in their mouth, Bones? He could swallow the key, it could be dangerous!” The baby starts to cry and Booth picks him up. “Where’s the key?”
Bones can’t find it. “He must have…swallowed it…” Booth hands the baby over. When Bones starts to back up, he reminds her about the chain of custody. That baby is staying with them until they get that key back. Bones takes the baby awkwardly, holding him at arms length and—“Whoa!”
They both look down to see her soaked shoe. Booth: “Woo! That’s a stream!”
Back at the lab, the squints grin down at the baby on the table and Angela declares that she’s “never seen anything so gorgeous on this table before.” Cam adds, “Or alive.” When Zack asks why Bones is the official custodian, Angela tells him that she registered as a foster parent after Russ began his prison term.
Zack looks at the baby. “Prodigious saliva production.”
Hodgins enters with a security stick and runs it over the baby. When it starts to squawk, they know two things. One, unless he had a recent hip replacement, the baby definitely has a key in him, and two, he liked having the metal detector wand over him. The baby laughs and Angela tells Hodgins to do it again. He does, they’re all amused. Bones walks in and wants to know what they’re doing, reminding them that the baby is not a plaything. When she asks why they aren’t examining the remains, Angela says that they thought it would be bad form to do it in front of the baby.
Bones asks Angela to take the baby for a while, and Angela gins. “I’d love to!” On her way out, she looks at Hodgins and says, “I want like a million of these.” Hodgins grins (“cool”), then frowns after she leaves, looking at Cam. “What do you think she means by a million? Two?”
An FBI Agent comes into Booth’s office to tell him that the car the dead woman was driving was registered to a dead man. He starts to leave, then asks, “Is it true Dr. Brennan’s taking care of the baby? Because that’s something I’d pay to see.” Booth just answers, “Goodbye Charlie.”
Back at the lab, Cam’s determined that the victim’s injuries are consistent with vehicular trauma. Bones asks Zack to grind some bones for Hodgins to do an isotope analysis. They might be able to figure out where the victim lived that way.
Angela enters, holding up the diaper. “Junior left us a little present.” Bones is expecting the key, but Angela says, “no this is just the usual present. But with one major difference.”
Zack looks at the diaper. “I assume pink isn’t the normal color for this type of thing…”
Cam asks him, “Does yours ever look pink?”
Zack simply answers, “No, but I’m not an infant.” Although there was that one time when he was at his cousin’s and they ate a lot of beets…
Bones walks around the Jeffersonian with a baby monitor and Booth comments, “You know, you look very mom-like with that baby monitor.” She insists she just has “a responsibility under state law as a foster parent. I already bought him toys and clothes…”
“Ah, so you bought him some clothes.”
“Well I sent an intern, who apparently loves bears, which in reality would devour a small child…”
Hodgins pulls up the computer, saying he’s found an isotope that’s absorbed by people through local plant life, and when Booth finishes, “Which means you can find out where she’s from,” Hodgins looks at him, impressed.
Booth: That’s right people, I am a constant surprise.
The baby starts to cry over the monitor and Bones can’t figure out why. “He’s been fed, he’s changed, I padded him, and now he’s just complaining.”
Booth: He’s acting like a real baby.
Hodgins discovered the victim was from Tucker county. The baby is still crying and Booth finally asks, “Aren’t you gonna get him?”
Bones looks at him helplessly. “I figured you’d get him.”
“Don’t you have a responsibility under state law?”
“Yeah, but you’re the baby daddy…”
“’Baby daddy’?”
“You have prior experience with preverbal infancy—”
“You can be the daddy-mommy—”
“What?”
Angela enters with the baby, telling them they better get their act together or she’s suing for custody. She also brings her rendering with her. The baby looks at it and reaches out. Booth frowns. “He misses his mother. He’s sad.”
Bones finally takes him, holding him normally. “We need to go to Tucker County.”
They drive into a town with practically nothing left. Booth tries to talk Bones into buying her new house here on the river. She could fish, get 150-inch TV—She interrupts that she doesn’t need a new house. Bones looks sadly back at the baby, pointing out that he’s all alone.
“No one filed a report, no one’s worried about him.”
Booth reminds her, “You are.”
They pull up in front of an un-abandoned house and start talking to the man there. He looks at the baby. “Training them young I see.” Booth asks for his help answering some questions, and the guy’s just like, “Yeah just like the government helped us when the bridge washed out, when the school’s closed.”
Bones argues, “The government can’t be expected to provide services without the fiscal means to do so.” She thinks he should move instead. The guy argues that “this land is part of me” and his wife suddenly comes out, and starts yelling at the government for taking a poor woman’s child away from her. “That girl does the best she can to provide for Andy.”
Booth and Bones look at each other. “You know this baby?”
Apparently Andy belongs to a woman named Meg who lives up the street. Booth and Bones are directed down the street to talk to the Grants, who went to school with Meg and her husband (who they haven’t seen for a while seeing as how he’s been in and out of jail so often). They used to babysit Andy while she went to work at one of the only places left, the rubber factory. Mr. and Mrs. Grant talk about how the town is going under and offer to watch Andy. Booth tells them that unfortunately the baby has to stay with them for the time being.
Cam calls while Booth and Bones drive out of town to report Andy had Phenobarbital in his system. She also thinks the baby’s name is adorable. “I had a dog named Andy—that came out wrong.” Zack asks why Andy would have Phenobarbital in his system. Maybe the baby was epileptic. Booth cuts in, “Hey, don’t say that. Andy’s gonna be just fine.”
Seeing as how the baby was still breast-feeding there’s a slight chance he might have ingested the drug that way, But Cam doesn’t think that’s likely. Bones tells her they’re off to look at the baby’s mom’s home, she’ll look for the prescription bottle there.
They pull up to an old trailer house by the railroad tracks and when Bones starts to get out of the car to follow Booth, he immediately stops her.
“No, no, no—Look, the front door is open. You stay here.”
“But—”
“Bones, there is a baby involved. You hear a gunfire, anything like that, drive away.”
“I’m not leaving you—”
“Yes you will, because this is about the baby, not me.” He stares at her intently. “Promise me.”
She hesitates looks at the baby, and back to him, and finally says, “I promise…”
Booth heads for the open door, gun ready.
Inside he finds someone rustling around in the bedroom. “Nice and easy…Easy, both hands towards the door…” The guy tries to make a run for it, and Booth easily stops him, slamming him against the door. “You know, I asked you nicely.”
In the car, Bones tells Andy not to worry, they’ll find his mom. “Booth is an excellent investigator, and I don’t like to brag, but I am the best in my field.” The baby just cries harder.
Bones: What do you want?...How about some visual and auditory stimulation?
She looks around for something…
Inside the trailer, Booth is talking to Meg’s drunk husband, who just gets more and more confused as the conversation goes on. “You live here or you came by to check on Meg?” He stares at Booth. “Now you got me all confused.” Booth asks how often he steals from his wife, and the guy just says that Meg likes to help him out when she can.
Booth tells him his wife is dead and he just asks, “How?” Booth sarcastically answers, “You seem shocked,” and the guy suddenly gasps, “Well of course I am!” Where was he last night? He can’t remember…
Back in the car, Bones hasn’t found any toys so she climbs into the backseat and wiggles her fingers. “Phalanges!” The baby grins. “Phalanges! Phalanges! Dancing phalanges!” (LOL!) When the baby laughs, Bones gleefully replies, “Yeah! Booth things bones are dry and boring but—show me your phalanges!” The baby wiggles his figures. Awwwww….
Booth drags Meg’s husband out, and he just says he told Meg he didn’t want a baby because he’s “a free spirit.” Booth corrects, “What you are is a drunk, Lou,” and calls it in. Lou insists that he wouldn’t kill Meg because, “who else would feed me?”
Back in the lab Angela’s figured out the key is probably to an old safe deposit box. They couldn’t get the number off it without exposing Andy to too much radiation. Cam starts to leave, then turns back, “How many? Exactly?”
“Excuse me?”
“Kids. Because a million seems a little impractical.”
“I don’t know,” Angela answers. “I kind of have a thing for chaos. I guess I’ll stop when the feds need to airlift me in supplies.”
Cam laughs, and says that all the screaming, crying, and bodily fluids “isn’t worth giving up this body” as it’d just be like a day around the lab. Angela watches her walk out: okay then…hmmm…
Bones finds the Phenobarbital prescription in the medicine cabinet, surprised that a doctor would prescribe such a powerful drug for a baby. She then comments that all the pictures and baby things in the house is very sweet. Andy’s mother really loved him.
Zack calls and asks Bones, “Is this a good time?” just as Andy grabs her necklace.
Bones: No, no, no—
Zack: Okay…*hastily hangs up*
Bones: Zack? Hello?
Zack answers and asks if this is a better time, and when Andy grabs her necklace again, Bones answers, “No, no, no!” Zack frowns at the phone. “Then why’d you call back?”
She tells him she was talking to Andy, not him, and he lets her know that he’s discovered their victim had compression fractures in her L1 and L2 vertebrae from malnourishment. She also has bowed legs and a number of boney outgrowths at muscle attachments. Bones asks if Cam found any other painkillers in Andy’s system, and Zack says no.
Bones goes outside carrying Andy in his baby seat and Booth spots him with the necklace pendant in his mouth. “First the key, now jewelry, what’s next? You gonna let him play with a bowling ball?” Bones insists that she was watching him this time.
She tells Booth about the boney growths and that Meg wasn’t taking any painkillers even though it would have been extremely painful. Booth starts to get in the car and says, “Probably so she would be effecting, you know, her…supply.”
“You mean her breast milk?” She heads for the other side of the car. “You know, you can say the word ‘breast’, Booth.”
“I know Bones.”
“Didn’t Rebecca breastfeed Parker?” She gets in the car.
“I am not discussing that with you.”
“Would “teat” make you feel more comfortable?”
“I’m not talking teats with you—”
“Why not?”
“Enough!”
They move on. Meg had a job that required manual labor. Booth thinks they should go talk to Meg’s boss, and as they’re leaving Bones asks, “Were you breastfed? I was.”
In the rubber factory, Meg’s boss, Mr. Barnett, can’t believe someone would kill Meg. He offered to put her on disability, but she wouldn’t take it. He says he’s got five kids of himself, he can’t imagine anyone doing this. Booth asks him if there’s any reason that Meg would have been in trouble, and some of the other guys mention some sleazy city guy who’d been coming around offering to buy her drinks.
Barnett: *about the city guy* “asking about her kid, all the time lookin’ at her…you know.”
When the guy hesitates, Bones asks, “Breasts?” Booth just shoots her a look.
One of Meg’s coworkers tells them that the only guy Meg was interested in was “that little guy there.”
As they’re leaving, Booth gets another phone call and Bones interrupts, “Booth…he’s making that face again.”
Cut to:
Booth changing the diaper in the back of his car. “Seriously Bones, next time you’re changing the diaper.” She’s too busy washing off the key. She reads them off to Angela on a video conference. It’s from a bank in Petersburg, West Virginia. She asks about Andy and Bones says that he’s happy a piece of metal is no longer trying to move through his digestive system.
Booth starts bouncing Andy. “No more metal! No more metal—” Bones suddenly spots something: “His legs are bowed.” More than normal…She asks Angela to ask Zack to run a test on the victim’s teeth. “He’ll know what I mean.”
Bones tells Booth she knows where the bank is, and he says that’ll give them just enough time to drop Andy off at Family Services. Bones immediately argues, “Not yet.” They can’t leave him in the middle of nowhere with underfunded, understaffed, med students!
“Bones—”
“His mother is dead and his father’s a felon. I’ve been in his situation Booth. I’m not turning him over until I’m satisfied he’s somewhere safe where he’ll get the care he deserves.”
“Fine. He can stay with us, for now.”
“Thank you.”
“Okay. I’ll go lock the back up.”
When Booth leaves, Bones looks at Andy, then suddenly starts blowing raspberries on his tummy. Andy laughs and Bones suddenly pulls back, looking around. Did anyone just see her do that?
At the bank, Booth and Bones find a handgun with the serial number filed off in Meg’s safe deposit box. It’s been fired recently….They head off for the abandoned public swimming pool, where Bones uses some of the old chemicals to retrieve the number. Mr. Grant lets them in, and asks if he can hold Andy for a little bit. Booth looks at him. “Just for a little bit.”
Booth brings in a Mr. Delancy for questioning. It was his gun. He pawned it when things started to get tight. When Booth points out that it’s illegal to pawn a gun, the guy just laughs. “Have you seen Huntsville?”
Hodgins and Zack examine the gun. Brain tissue and skull fragments point to a point blank shot. Zack points out that if Meg did shoot someone, it’s illogical that she would stash it in her own safe deposit box. Hodgins agrees. Maybe they can get some DNA off the burned skin on the trigger.
Booth comes into Bones office to tell her that they’ll never know if the gun owner was telling the truth or not because the pawn shop went out of business a long time ago. He then asks her what’s with the muzak playing on her phone? She says she’s on hold, and that the music is for Andy.
When someone finally picks up the phone she tells them she’d appreciate a call back from “The Congressman”. Booth continues to play with Andy asking the baby, “What is Aunti Bones up to, huh?” She tells him she’s just putting in some favors. They owe her after all the money she’s donated. When Booth points out that’s not how it’s supposed to work, she argues that that’s how it DOES work. If the bridge to Huntsville is fixed, maybe the town will get back on its feet.
Bone turns to the baby. “Do you need to burp?”
Booth: No
Bones: I was talking to the baby.
Booth: *grins* I know you were talking about Andy. My man, Andy! So what’s up with the little guy here, how’s his condition, any news?
She tells him Cam’s talking to her friend who’s a pediatrician.
Booth: He’s gonna be fine, he’s a tiger. *bends down and grabs Andy’s feet* Tiger, tiger, tiger—
Bones: You know, verbal development would be hightened if you didn’t talk to him like a fool.
Booth argues that she was just doing the same thing! Cam interrupts their argument to tell them the DNA from the gun was male. Booth gets a call that Dave Shepherd (the guy who was trying to woo Meg) just used his credit card. Booth shows up to find a guy definitely not Dave Shepherd, who has a bloody duffle bag he found with the card in it. Booth tells them to let the guy loose, and he argues that he could stand to stay there for a few nights. “Whatdya say?” Booth just walks out with the bag.
Back in the lab Cam matches the duffle bag blood DNA to the DNA on the gun. Shepherd’s not the killer. They find a crushed flash drive and hand it over to Angela.
Angela enters Hodgins’s lair in search of cotton swabs and bleach to clean the blood of the flash drive. She starts to leave, then turns and asks, “You do want kids, right?
“What?”
“Kids.” She grins. “Small humans?”
“I’ll admit I only every planned on one or two, but…if you want a million I want a million.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. I don’t care if you’re mushy and shapeless. Puffy from constant hormonal fluctuations. I’ll still find you sexy.”
“Well I’m not gonnna look like—”
“It’s okay. When you get wider they’re be more of you to love!”
He goes on to say they should start now! I mean, they don’t know how long her divorce will take to go through and—Angela interrupts to tell him his computer is beeping. He turns, smiling mischievously as he goes to the computer. They figure out the gun was used at the tire plant.
As Hodgins rushes off, Angela mutters, “I’m not gonna get wider…”
At the tire plant Bones interrupts the tire recycling machine, pointing out that it would be a pretty thorough way to get rid of a body. She then gets Booth to start dumping handfuls of the packed mulch into a container of water. They go through a line of bags until they finally find what she was looking for. The rubber will float, but the bone sinks to the bottom. Booth orders someone to go get the boss. They need to shut down the plant.
As it turns out, the boss is currently trying to make a mad dash getaway in his car. Booth and Bones hop in theirs and easily chase him down. Booth slams him against a metal fence. “You know you’re rights, right?” The guy says a man does what he has to for his family, and both Bones and Booth are disgusted. “So that justifies killing two innocent people?”
The guy insists that he didn’t mean to kill Meg. She wanted money to keep quiet, to take Andy to a doctor in DC.
Bones: So you knew where she was headed.
Booth: Yeah you followed her out of town so you could kill her with no one around.
The guy argues that he didn’t plan on killing her, he went to her trailer to find the gun first but—Bones grabs him by the collar, “There was a baby in that car you son of a ____!” She walks off and Booth shoves him after her.
Back in Bones’s office, Booth tells her he found a letter that Meg wrote to her friend Carol Grant. Cam comes in and tells them that her pediatrician friend can easily treat Andy’s genetic condition (vitamin D resistant Ricketts). Meg had a mild form, but probably didn’t even know it. Andy’s going to be fine. Cam leaves.
Booth: Yeah!
*sits down on the edge of the couch next to Andy and Bones*
Bones: You’re gonna be fine!
Booth: Looks like our little guy’s gonna be just fine! *They look at each other* The little guy.
Bones: Andy.
Booth: Andy’s gonna be just fine.
He hands over the letter in which Meg asks Carol to take care of Andy. Booth is there to oversee the Grant’s signing the papers and Bones hands Andy over to his new parents. He coos happily.
Booth and Bones hang out in the back of Booth’s SUV and he grins as he gets her to admit that she developed a natural attachment to the baby. Or, as she puts it, “It’s a natural byproduct of care-giving.”
Booth laughs and leans back. “So, what do you think, huh? Change your mind about having kids?”
“Booth—”
“Okay you got some time...” he pauses a second then adds, “Not THAT much time—”
“Booth!” Bones shoves him, spilling his coffee all over a massive pile of paperwork. “Now look what you did!”
“What I did? You’re the one who hit me!”
He pulls the stack of papers towards him. “What is all this?”
She tells him that no, she’s not taking his financial advice about the home building, she’s rebuilding the bridge to Huntsville. She’s hired Carol Grant as the project manager. With the bridge back up, gas stations could reopen, maybe a B&B.
Booth: You know, it’s um, a shame.
“What?”
“No kids. Who’s gonna be proud of you?”
“I don’t do it for that.”
“Yeah okay, I know…You know, with next year’s book, you should, uh, you should get that second home.” He goes on and on and finally she just interrupts, “Forget it.”
“I’m just saying…” Grinning he adds, “Andy’s gonna miss his Aunti Bones, gonna want to see you! We could all go fishing, come back home, plop ourselves in front of that big 153-inch plasma screen of heaven! Football! And you can make the five layer dip!”
“Seven layer dip—”
“Even better! Seven layers! Perfect! And you can talk to Andy—” He starts doing the baby-talk thing, “Hello Andy! Little baby, -ittle, baby baby—” Bones sticks a pacifier into his mouth.
Booth just looks at her then starts sucking on it…
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Awwwwwwww! Great episode, very funny (and sweet!) to see them get stuck with a baby and Booth imagining their fake happy lives together. Haha I bet Booth (and David Boreanaz) is such a fun dad!
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Comment by Ann 2
Muzikal Mafia
Canadiens Watch
Football Slate
Did you notice Biff from Back to the Future? He was the boss/murderer.
Comment by Meggie
TV Chit Chat
And you are so right! It was Biff! I was watching thinking, man that guy looks familiar...It was buggin' me not knowing where I'd seen him before, so thanks!! LOL